Well I just got done packing up all of Justis’ belongings. There is a huge pile of bags and boxes up by my front door. And tomorrow at this time we will be a family minus one. I have a lot of emotions. Of course I feel great saddness that he will no longer be in our home every day. We do a lot of fun things together as a family in the summer and without Justis here it will really feel like something is missing. Especially on Sunday. The Fourth of July is always a big day for us between the Kids’ Fun Run Race, the Pancake Breakfast, dinner at Uncle John and Aunt Lisa’s for Ben’s birthday and the fireworks. I can’t even remember a time that Justis hasn’t been here for the Fourth. School registration will be another tough time for us. We were really hoping we could have another year to help Justis with his school work and teach him good study skills. I spent a lot of time with Justis this year. Every day when I came home from work I would have him show me his school agenda (much like a Franklin Planner) and I would ask him to tell me at least one thing about every single class he had that day. When he had a test I would help him study; giving him tips on how to try and remember stuff and making up study worksheets for him. When he had a writing assignment I would have him write it first. Then I would look it over and we would talk about it and try to brainstorm some ideas to make it just a little bit better. I would ask him to re-read his notes and see if there was anything else he wanted to add. Then he would rewrite, I would help him proofread it and then he would type up his final copy. Using www.edhelper.com I made tons of spelling worksheets using the words he would see throughout the school year. I also kept in close contact with his teachers; often emailing his homeroom teacher or other teachers (if I knew of missing assignments in their class) and a couple of times I went to the school with Justis to ask for copies of missing assignments. I used the school website to really keep on top of Justis’ homework or missing assignments. Lee and I also enjoyed Justis’ basketball games, band concert and baseball games this year. And I got to see Justis in action at the 6th grade track meet. It was so awesome to be able to share this with Justis. When he is in Wisconsin we miss out on so much and it just seems unfair. I wish we were closer so we could enjoy all of his Wisconsin activities too. He has a whole life up there that we just know so little about. He has tons of friends up there and we don’t even know most of their names. And since we meet in Madison for visitation exchanges we don’t even know what his school looks like or most of his town. We have only seen his house once and then only the outside of it. It is just so depressing that we will be going back to being such a small part of his life again.

I don’t know Lee’s ex very well, but I often try to put myself in her shoes. I know being the mother of a child when you are not married to the father has got to be hard. Her relationship with Lee is over and I don’t think she wants to ever rekindle it, but it still must be hard for her to see him with somebody else. He was somebody that she really loved once and now she has to see him enjoying his new life with his new wife and family. That has got to be hard. As women we tend to get just a little bit of enjoyment when we see our ex’s new relationships fail and we cringe when we see old boyfriends loving life. But usually we just see the old flame at the grocery store or as a passing on the street. Then we get to go home and forget we even saw them. But when you have a child together you can’t do that. You have to see him often and talk to him often. It has got to suck. But even that awkardness cannot compare to having to share your child. And not just sharing him with the child’s father, but also a complete stranger. I don’t ever want my kids to call another woman Mom. And that sounds so selfish when I say it out loud. But I think it would just be like a stab in the heart to hear that. I think generally we need to leave that decision up to the child and not influence them either way because it’s ultimately the adults fault the child has to have two families. But that wouldn’t make it any easier. Justis doesn’t call me Mom. He calls me Christine. But there was one day in the kitchen he called me mom and I almost fell down. It actually startled me. I thought “Is it okay if he calls me Mom? Should I tell him not to? Should I be happy?” I want the decision to be left up to Justis. Whatever makes him feel most comfortable, but I also don’t want an altercation with Nicci over it. I also wouldn’t want to have my kids away from me for long periods of time. One night over at a friends house or maybe a weekend if Lee and I go away for a mini-vacation, but it would be devasting to me if I had to give up my kids every other weekend or for long stretches in the summer. I don’t know how Nicci handles that. It would be so heartbreaking to not be able to give hugs and kisses every night or tell them I love them every day.

That being said, you just cannot understand how hard it is to be a stepmother unless you are one. You meet a guy with kids and they are beautiful and funny and you love going to the park and having fun with them…every other weekend, when your boyfriend has visitation. In the beginning they are like your friend’s kids. You love to get together with them, you babysit, you have a great time, but then you go home and have your own life. But then you get serious with the guy and eventually get married. And you spend a lot more time with his kids. Then one day you realize, “I really love that kid.” It really just sneaks up on you like that. I mean when you give birth to your own children you love them right away. You love them before you see them. You love them when you see the pink line on the pregnancy test or when you feel the little kick in your belly. And from the very day they are born you fall in love with them again and again as you see them smile and crawl and walk and say your name. You don’t get that initial connection with your stepkids. You have to work really really hard to even make a connection with a stepchild. And then you finally make that connection, but you still have no rights. I don’t have the right to talk to Justis’ teachers or get him medical care because I am not his biological parent. As much as my heart thinks I am, I’m not. And I have no legal rights to Justis. And even though I consider him to be one of my children, he doesn’t consider me to be his Mom. A perfect world in the child’s mind is for his mother and his father to be together. Even after 11 years, Justis still feels that way. In fifth grade he wrote an essay about how cool it would be if his mom and his dad lived together because then he wouldn’t have to go back and forth from Wisconsin and here and he’d have two Playstation 2s and two Nintendo 64s. It was kind of funny and, yes, I was a little hurt. But I grew up as a stepkid myself, so I know what that feels like. So I can defintely relate.

Part of me feels like a failure because Justis chose to go back to Wisconsin. I love Justis as much as I love Keaton, Skyler, Spencer & Caleb. I consider him to be a member of this family even though he is not here all the time. And I want the best for him. And I really try and give that too him. So it hurts that he does not see that. Although I can’t say that he can’t see that. I don’t think there is a doubt in Justis’ mind that I love him. But I am not his mother. Never will be. Even if I try really really hard. Even if I bought him ice cream for dinner every single night or gave him candy for lunch evey day. No matter what I do, I will never ever be in the same league as his mother. It doesn’t matter that she works nights or goes to bowling or volleyball and isn’t there to help him with his homework. It doesn’t matter that she promises him she’ll take him on trips to the Dells and never follows through. It doesn’t matter that I taught him how to correctly use a dictionary or how to study for tests by reviewing title chapters and bold words in his textbooks. It doesn’t matter that I planned a family outing to the motorcycle races even though none of us except him are all that keen on motorcycles. It doesn’t even matter that he got to sign up for sports and play the trumpet down here. It doesn’t matter because he loves his mother. Unconditionally. And he misses her like crazy. I hope she understands how much he loves her and I hope she doesn’t take it for granted. She is so lucky to have his undivided attention and admiration and I hope she appreciates it. I am jealous. It’s not a competition. It’s about what Justis wants and what’s best for him. But it still feels like we lost. And it sucks to lose.