Growing Up Is Hard To Do
With his face red and blood pressure high, Lee had a conversation with Nicci today. Without going in to all of the gory details, Nicci told Lee that Justis will never live with us again. Apparently he was miserable when he lived with us last year because we treated him like a child. Well, golly. How dare we treat an 11 year old like a child. An 11 year who is still five years away from being able to drive, seven years away from being able to vote and ten years away from being able to legally drink alcohol. The United States Government still considers him a child, but we are supposed to treat him like an adult?
If you remember correctly, Justis had (and still does have) a lot of problems proving that he can handle adult situations. He can’t keep his locker or school bag organized. He can’t find the motivation to get sch0olwork done and will in fact lie about whether or not it is completed. And when he actually does get his schoolwork done he often forgets to turn in the assignments. He doesn’t remember to brush his teeth or shower unless we remind him. He easily loses track of time especially while playing video or computer games.
Now I’m not saying Justis is a bad kid, because he most certainly is not. He is actually a great kid. He is very respectful of his elders (other then his parents ;P) and other kids. He was friends with a couple of girls last year that didn’t have a lot of friends. And he told me that he wanted to make sure and invite them to his birthday party because he knew they didn’t get invited to many parties. He is really very thoughtful and, I’m sure, a wonderful friend. He has a crazy imagination and he’s pretty smart too.
However, he is still a child. Even now that he approaches his 13th birthday, he is still a child. He gets more responsiblity as he grows up and shows us that he is deserving of that responsiblity. I consider it my job as a parent (or step-parent in his case) to raise responsible children so they can grow in to responsible adults. I consider it my job to educate my children on how to properly care for themselves and how to take care of a household. I consider it my job to teach my children to make good decisions and suffer the consequences when they make wrong ones.
But children have 18 years to learn all this stuff before they move out on their own. They don’t need to learn to be self sufficient at the age of 11. In fact 11 year olds (or 13 year olds for that matter) don’t have the mental capacity to be self sufficient yet. That’s why 11 year olds and 13 year olds are required by law to be cared for by an adult. That’s why 11 and 13 year olds cannot rent their own apartments or work at paying jobs outside of the home or drive a motor vehicle.
I absolutely agree that as children get older they need to take on more responsiblity. As they get older we need to teach them to cook and clean and drive so forth. We need to trust them more and begin to give them their space. Occassionaly they can stay home by themselves and eventually babysit a younger child. They can prepare a meal or two for the family. They can wash and fold the laundry. These are all things that are very important for a child to learn. But children also need to put school first and always remember that they are still children. We still need to allow them time for schoolwork and play time. We need to allow them time to foster growing relationships with their friends. We need to let them be kids.
Keaton will be 11 in August. And even after his 11th birthday he will still be required to tell me where he is at all times. He will still get grounded if he is not where he’s supposed to be. He will still be required to get his schoolwork done and keep good grades. And if he doesn’t then he will suffer the consequences. But at 11, I will allow him more trips to Dairy Queen by himself [which is about 8 blocks away]. I will allow him to walk to and play at the park by himself [about 2 blocks away]. I will allow him to occassionally stay home by himself for short time periods. If he can’t handle these situations then theses privileges will be taken away from him. However, if he handles himself well then he will get to enjoy further privileges. [And just for the record, we let Justis do all of these things while he lived here as an eleven year old and at that time we had never let Keaton do any of them.]
It makes me sad to think that Justis doesn’t want to live with us. I’m not sure why today’s revolutions upset me, because Justis chose to move back to Wisconsin almost a year ago. But it still feels like a stab in the heart to hear it again. However, I think we are good parents. Not perfect, but good. And I will not compromise my morals for anybody else. Hopefully some day Justis will understand that we really do love him and we really do try to do what’s best for him. I guess that’s all we can ask for.
