Do people dream of working behind a big desk and sitting in front of a computer all day? Do little girls tell their daddy’s they can’t wait to grow up and be a secretary? I’m sure some people really enjoy the corporate life. I think the CEO’s making millions of dollars probably really enjoy it. But not I.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a ballerina. I had a babysitter who was a ballerina in the Des Moines Ballet Company. My dad and I went to see her perform The Nutcracker. It was awesome. I can still remember many details about that day. In my mind I can picture the seats that we sat in; me and my dad. I can remember my babysitter on the stage, gliding across the floor on her toes. And I remember the story of The Nutcracker vividly because of that performance. It was a magical day for me. And when my sitter [I wish I could remember her name] watched me she would often take me to the studio that she worked at [where she taught ballet] and she would let me try on the tu-tus and other beautiful costumes. She even gave me her toe shoes and I danced around in them like a real ballerina. I still have them to this day [even though they no longer come close to fitting my big clown feet]. I really cherish them.

But when my knocked-kneed, fall all over myself, run in to walls body couldn’t take ballet anymore I wanted to be a veterinarian. I remember there was some specific reason I wanted to be a veterinarian. Some event in my life. Or story I read. But now, many, many years later I can’t remember for the life of me what that special event was.

When I was a sophomore in high school I took a genetics class. And I loved it. From that moment forward I wanted to go to college to be a biomedical engineer. Wouldn’t that be cool? You could tell all your friends and family, “my friend Christine is a biomedical engineer and she discovered the gene for this and that”. I could of cured cancer. Or found the gene for cleft lip. That would of rocked.

Also in high school I went with my stepmom to visit one of her relatives in a nursing home. I felt the turmoil between being relieved that there was this great place for these patients to be cared for by people who really loved to care for them. And the feeling of sadness that many of these people were basically abandoned by their families. A few years later when I worked in a nursing home I felt that full speed. I worked in the alzheimer’s ward and many of those residents never had visitors. It was really very sad. If you have family member in a nursing home visit them. Don’t just forget about them. It’s so sad to see the sadness in their eyes. So anyway….I’ve gotten off to a special service announcement somehow. My original point was, when I was in that nursing home in high school I decided I wanted to be a geriatrician. Kind of the opposite of a pediatrician. A doctor for the elderly.

So then I was torn. Do I want to go to school to learn about genetics or to be a doctor? Decisions. Decisions. But when I dropped out of school after only a month, that kind of put a damper in my plans.

For a while I worked at Wendy’s. Nothing reminds you just exactly how important school is more than working in fast food. Long hours. Constantly on your feet. And paychecks where the paper is almost worth more than the amount printed on it.

So then I went back to school. A community college. I decided I was going to be a nurse. If I couldn’t stay in school long enough to be a doctor then I would be a nurse. Next best thing, right?

Only the wait list for the nursing program was about three years long. So I settled on being a CNA [Certified Nursing Aide]. Basically a CNA does all the icky stuff the nurses don’t want to do. The nurses hand out meds. The CNAs bath residents who absolutely do not want to take a bath. In fact they will scratch your eyeballs out and drown you in the big bath tub when you try. CNAs help residents to the bathroom. Even residents who weigh considerablly more than the CNA. These residents don’t get a lot of exercise so they aren’t the most fit people in the world. CNAs get to argue with the residents about getting dressed in the morning. CNAs get food thrown all over themselves when the resident doesn’t want to eat. And for their efforts, CNAs make about $6 an hour. Woo hoo.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Being a CNA also has some great benefits. These people you get to help every day are some of the most special people ever. There was one man in particular who kept thinking I was his daughter [remember these were alzheimer patients] and he was so kind to me. And he had some of the greatest stories to tell. Listening to him was always a treat. And there was another resident who grew up working on the farm and then owned his own farm. He wore overalls. Every single day. And he told me all about working the farm. Some days he would forget where he was and he would think we were getting ready to feed the animals. You’re not exactly dressed for it, he would tell me. And some of the other residents would just make you smile when you saw them smile. To see them enjoying your company was amazing. It truly was rewarding.

But I wasn’t making enough money and the bad things were starting to outweigh the good things for me.

So I went back to school. I went to school full-time and worked part-time at a brokerage firm. I really enjoyed that firm. The people were nice. The work wasn’t too difficult and they varied my tasks enough that I wasn’t bored. So I [mistakenly] believed that I should be a business major. And I changed my major from Biology to Business.

And now, here I am. Working for a big corporation. And never really feeling like it’s where I should be. All day long I look at contracts. I don’t write the contract. I just read it. And I make sure that our billing systems can bill it. And in this position I am put between BD [Business Development], who decides what to put in the contract based on what’s financially sound for the company [they "show us the money" per say], and Implementation, who sets up the customer specific rates and discounts in the contract. And sometimes what works financially, doesn’t always implement well. And some how that’s always my fault. I know. You’re jealous.

Today we had layoffs. Rumor has it that we laid off 15% of our finance department [that includes billing and implementation and audit and a whole slew of other people]. But I survived. And, honestly, I’m a little sad about that. Not that I want to no longer have the financial stability of a full-time job or that I want our family to live in a cardboard box. But I know this is not truly where my heart is. But I also know I will not make this much money anywhere else. And I know I will not leave on my own. So really the only way I will ever get out of my rut and get my butt in to gear to do the things I really want to do is if I’m forced out.

I’ve always considered myself a very creative and caring person. Working for a major telecommunications company does not emphasize my creativity nor my caring. I couldn’t care less if corporations get good rates for their phone service. I couldn’t care less if their bills are wrong. I couldn’t care less if their service goes down. It’s a phone bill. You’ll survive.

I would rather be writing or working on a website. I’d rather be drawing or creating a computer graphic. I want to help people. I want to make people smile. I want to feel like I’m making a difference.

But I’m not.

Instead I’m just getting by. I really like the people I work with, but I just don’t have the passion for the job. And I can’t stand the managment style. I hate the fact that my manager is a micro manager and is constantly “in the know” of exactly what we are doing. If somebody doesn’t like what I have to say all they have to do is go crying to my manager. And instead of saying “Christine will handle it” she just butts in and takes over. I hate the fact that she rarely backs me up. Even when I’m wrong you should always back me up. But especially when I’m right. Then your ass needs to be doubling backing me up. I’m tired of the empty promises that never get fulfilled. I’m tired of the hard work that goes unnoticed. And I know I’m being a little whiny and cry baby here. I have gotten awards. So my efforts are not completely unnoticed. But I still feel unappreciated and underpaid.

So here’s to all the woman who are struggling to be the “super woman” but are still falling short. I feel your pain. Call me. Let’s go have a drink.