Today on Dr. Phil the topic was OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder). I think most of you know I have some symptoms of OCD.

For example, I don’t like odd numbers. I’m sort of ok with numbers in multiples of 5, but I don’t like 1, 3, 7, 9, etc. The volume on my television needs to always be on an even number. I don’t have super secret sensitive hearing or anything though. So if it’s on 13 and I don’t know it I’m fine. But if I am turning the television volume up or down then it has to be on an even number. When I create graphics I use even numbers for everything. Sometimes I really need the line to be 19 pixels, but I can’t do it. I have to make it either 18 or 20. Same when I resize photos. I resize them to even numbers.

I also don’t like things moved on my desk; especially my desk at work. I know exactly how I like my pictures [the kids in order by age] and where my phone goes and at what angle it should be at in comparison to the edge of the desk. And if somebody moves my stuff I will move it back. [Trust me, people move stuff just to fuck with me and I move it back.]

I put my DVD movies in the cabinet in alphabetical order. All of my CDs were in alphabetical order until the kids got in to them. But those are hidden behind a door so I don’t look at those. My classical books are all sorted in alphabetical order by author and then title. The books in the family room are sorted by subject. All of my writing books are in one section. All of the parenting books are in another section. I think you get the idea.

I am very particular about how my towels are folded and how they are put in the closet; from biggest to smallest. All of the kids towels are in one stack and all of the beach towels are in another stack. However, I’ve never considered this to be obsessive. Well at least not until I Lee’s grandmother babysat for us once and folded towels for me. I was very appreciative that she did that for us, but she didn’t fold them like I do….So I refolded all of them. If you look in my closet you will see that it begins with “fancy” dresses [beginning with my wedding dress] moving in to “work clothes,” then sweaters, sweatshirts, long sleeve shirts, short sleeve shirts, t-shirts, etc. I consider my closet to be a great accomplishment however, because I used to hang stuff up by color. I still occassionally do that, but I try hard not to be so obsessive with that. I also used to hang the kids’ clothes up on certain hangers. Justis had blue, Keaton had yellow, Spencer had red, etc. Now I make Keaton and Justis hang up and put away their own clothes [and they use wire hangers...Joan Crawford would cringe] and I still sort of use colors, but not to that extent. Skyler gets the pink, purple and white hangers [and one pale yellow hanger] and Spencer and Caleb get all other colors plus some white hangers.

You know, as I write this I’m starting to wonder how I function on a daily basis with these obsessions. I never really thought of my obsessions as “weird.” I’m not naive enough to think that everybody needs their volume on an even number or their heart races [yes, my heart races and I feel like somebody is choking me when I know the volume is on an odd number...and yes I recognize that that is anxiety]. But I just thought of my obsessions as a little quirky. Not something I should be concerned with. But then as I was watching Dr. Phil I realized I have other obsessions that are symptoms of OCD.

I live in a messy house. Not necessarily filthy, but not clean either. With five kids there is never a time the house is clean. So I assumed since I can live in a messy, often unorganized house, then I must not be obsessed with clean. But then I realized that I do not clean my living room [it's now one of Keaton and Justis' chores] because I never have the time to do everything I think is required. See I can’t just pick up messes like the boys can. They can pick it up and vacuum and call it a day. However, when I clean I pick up, reorganize the desk [both things on the outside and in the drawers], go through the file cabines [again], dust everything [including the back of the television], wash the ceiling fan, clean the windows, scrub the wall, vacuum the floor, then use the attachment to vacuum along the walls and in the couch. When I clean the kitchen I wash the cabinets [inside and out], organize the inside of the cabinets making sure labels are facing forward [so you can read them], clean the inside of the refrigerator, stove and microwave, clean the counters and outsides of appliances, scrub the walls, vacuum the chairs and benches, clean of the table, chairs and benches, wash the ceiling fan, take out the garbage and scrub the garbage can before I put in a new trash bag. It literally takes me three hours to clean the kitchen, every single time I clean. I cannot bring myself to just “clean up.” Instead I have to spit shine it. I don’t know why. I just do.

I shop at Target and only Target. I take that back, I will go to Hy-Vee too, but usually Target. Two weeks ago I bought school supplies for the kids. I saw a commercial on television for K-mart. They advertised these great prices on school supplies so I decided I’d give it a try. Before I left a friend from work suggested I go to Wal-Mart. She said she bought her son’s supplies there and only spent like $40. That sounded good to me considering I’m buying supplies for four kids this year. But after I got in my car I knew there was no way I was going to Wal-Mart. That day I told myself I wasn’t going to Wal-Mart because Wal-Mart always has a million people in the store and two checkers. And I get pissed off because I have to stand in line for an hour just to check out while 400 other lines have no checkers at them. Why have 400 checkout lines if you aren’t going to use them? So anyway, that’s partly true. Those are part of my reasons. But the real reason. The biggest reason I don’t go to Wal-Mart is because I can’t. Literally. I panic when I go to Wal-Mart. I don’t like the crowds. And I know this makes me sound like a snob, but I don’t like many of the types of people who shop at Wal-Mart. And I don’t like the fact that I don’t know where stuff is at. So then I was set on K-Mart. There are two enterances in to K-Mart. When I got to the first one I drove by. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t go. I was just going to go to Target. Then I thought “stop being a crybaby, you can do this.” So I pulled in to the second enterance. I parked the car. I walked in to K-Mart. I grabbed a cart. I walked to the school supply section. And there it was. The panic. This is not my store. What am I doing here? My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty. So I left my cart in the middle of the aisle and walked out. Got back in my car and went to Target.

I’m better when somebody is with me. Doesn’t matter who it is. Even when Caleb was a baby I felt better when I was with him. I just need one other person, whether they are capable of talking or not. It makes me feel more calm.

I’ve started to realize the older I get the more neurotic I am. It’s kind of full circle for me. I was an extremely shy child. I would hide behind my parents and often never say a word. On my third grade report card, my teacher, Mrs. Cooper, wrote “When Christine talks it’s like E.F. Hutton. People listen because it’s so rare.”

For me it wasn’t so much confidence [or lack thereof] as it was that I just didn’t trust people. There was some level of low self-esteem, but mostly it was more my fear of people. As I got older I began to outgrow my fear, but I still have some level of anxiety in new situations. I like to control everything and if it’s knew and I don’t know what to expect I don’t like it.

Up until today, I had joked about my OCD, but I never really truly thought it was OCD [even a mild case]. But watching that show kind of opened my eyes. I’m starting to think I may want to watch my behaviors and maybe discuss it with my doctor. I do have one thing going for me though. I may be borderline OCD, but I’m also borderline ADD. So I obsess about stuff all the time, but I lose interest in one obsession and move on to another because I get bored. So my ADD is a blessing in disguise because it controls my OCD.