I was poking around Google News and I ran across this very interesting article on step-parenting in the Telegraph [UK newspaper]. The article, Avoiding the step-parent trap, describes how I have seen many step-parent/step-child relationships [including my own] begin. Many times the relationship begins with anger and resentment. Of course you start out with the best of intentions, but often the relationship takes a bad turn.

No matter how long your new boyfriend/spouse has been separated from his ex, the step-child will still be upset. In his perfect world his mom and his dad are together. The child loves both his mother and his father and he will never understand why they aren’t living together.

I grew up as a step-child and I always had it in the back of my mind; what if my parents got remarried…to each other. It didn’t matter that my dad was already married to a new woman, a woman who at times I even liked. It didn’t matter that my parents split up for very good reasons. As I grew up I even understood those reasons, but it still didn’t matter. Every child’s dream is that their parents are together. And it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been separated.

Lee and his ex separated when Justis was just nine months old. They did have a short reunion shortly before Justis’ second birthday, but nothing significant. Justis does not even remember a time that his mother and father were together. And Justis was just thirteen months old when Lee and I met so Justis does not remember a time when Lee and I were not together. But that doesn’t stop him from wanting his mother and father together.

I’ve never really thought of Justis as an unhappy child. At least not usually. And I never really see the effects of his parent’s dissolved relationship on him. At least not outwardly. He really doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t throw big fits when we meet for visitation. And he has always treated me pretty well..for a stepmom [although I have heard the "you are not my mom" screech a couple of times]. On appearances alone, I wouldn’t think that he is struggling with his parent’s break up. And since they split up so long ago, it’s easy to think that he’s fine with. That he’s moved on and understands it. But that would be wrong.

Three years ago, when Justis was in fifth grade, he had a writing assignment. The assignment was to think of one wish and imagine that your wish will come true. Then he was to think of all the ways his life would change if the wish came true. Justis wrote,

I wish my dad lived with my mom, sister, and me. We wouldn’t be almost pour. We would have more fun. I wouldn’t have to go to any more baby siters. I’d be doing better in school because there would be two parents to help me with my home work. I’d have 9 t.v.s, 2 playstation 2s, 2 Nintendo 64s, and a whole lot of games, along with 2 of d.v.d. players, and lots of d.v.d.s. I’d have more birthdays to go to.

Obviously Justis is thinking of the material things that he would gain too, but he put those at the end. And I’m sure there was a word limit or so much of the page had to be filled up. The heart of Justis’ “wish” is that he wants his parents to live together. To be together. For them to be one big happy family. Justis didn’t even think about the fact that he has siblings here or about me. He was just thinking about his perfect world; his mom and dad together.

At Christmas time that same year, Justis wrote another paper that read

It would make it special if we get a real Christmas tree. If I could decorate the tree with my mom and dad. Some times I go to my dad’s and sometimes with my mom. I want my mom and dad to decorate the tree with each other.

Of course it hurt to read these papers. But in the years I have been a stepmother I have learned to put my feelings aside sometimes and realize that he is just a child. His intent was not to hurt me. He was just writing a paper for school. Writing how he felt. Writing about his dreams. I also had to think about what may have prompted these papers. Both of these papers were written the year after his mom and her boyfriend broke up and Justis, his mom and sister were living on their own again…after being a family for three years. His family had just recently split apart.

This brings me to my second point. The anger runs both ways. Not only is the child unhappy that you are now entering his world and part of his dad’s life, but we get angry because we are doing everything we know to get this kid to like us and he doesn’t. And damnit, we bend over backwards for this kid. Is it to much to ask that we get a little thank you in return? The simple answer is yes. He is the child. I am the adult. I know better. As the author states, “I identified that resentment was poisoning my attitude towards the girls. Until that point, I had done all sorts of stuff to try to make them like me. And, of course, when they didn’t, my hope turned to ashes.”

The article goes on to say, “The harsh truth is that step-families, more than any other group, are at risk of collapse. The rate of disintegration runs at 60 per cent for partnerships involving children from previous unions, which is considerably higher than both first marriages and remarriages that do not involve stepchildren.” Knowing this fact, it is our job as wives and step-mothers to make sure we are in the 40% who survive. This article lays out “the four cornerstones of good step-parenting” and I think this is awesome advice. If you are a stepmom, plan to be one soon or think you may be any time in the future I encourage you to read this article.

I particularly like her statement “try to understand that you may always come second to natural parents, but that second place is not so terrible.” Even as a seasoned stepmom of many, many years, I often need to remind myself that “second place is not so terrible.”