Love Thy Husband’s Child
Oct 23, 2005 Hiding my hairy stepmom mole
I was poking around Google News and I ran across this very interesting article on step-parenting in the Telegraph [UK newspaper]. The article, Avoiding the step-parent trap, describes how I have seen many step-parent/step-child relationships [including my own] begin. Many times the relationship begins with anger and resentment. Of course you start out with the best of intentions, but often the relationship takes a bad turn.
No matter how long your new boyfriend/spouse has been separated from his ex, the step-child will still be upset. In his perfect world his mom and his dad are together. The child loves both his mother and his father and he will never understand why they aren’t living together.
I grew up as a step-child and I always had it in the back of my mind; what if my parents got remarried…to each other. It didn’t matter that my dad was already married to a new woman, a woman who at times I even liked. It didn’t matter that my parents split up for very good reasons. As I grew up I even understood those reasons, but it still didn’t matter. Every child’s dream is that their parents are together. And it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been separated.
Lee and his ex separated when Justis was just nine months old. They did have a short reunion shortly before Justis’ second birthday, but nothing significant. Justis does not even remember a time that his mother and father were together. And Justis was just thirteen months old when Lee and I met so Justis does not remember a time when Lee and I were not together. But that doesn’t stop him from wanting his mother and father together.
I’ve never really thought of Justis as an unhappy child. At least not usually. And I never really see the effects of his parent’s dissolved relationship on him. At least not outwardly. He really doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t throw big fits when we meet for visitation. And he has always treated me pretty well..for a stepmom [although I have heard the "you are not my mom" screech a couple of times]. On appearances alone, I wouldn’t think that he is struggling with his parent’s break up. And since they split up so long ago, it’s easy to think that he’s fine with. That he’s moved on and understands it. But that would be wrong.
Three years ago, when Justis was in fifth grade, he had a writing assignment. The assignment was to think of one wish and imagine that your wish will come true. Then he was to think of all the ways his life would change if the wish came true. Justis wrote,
I wish my dad lived with my mom, sister, and me. We wouldn’t be almost pour. We would have more fun. I wouldn’t have to go to any more baby siters. I’d be doing better in school because there would be two parents to help me with my home work. I’d have 9 t.v.s, 2 playstation 2s, 2 Nintendo 64s, and a whole lot of games, along with 2 of d.v.d. players, and lots of d.v.d.s. I’d have more birthdays to go to.
Obviously Justis is thinking of the material things that he would gain too, but he put those at the end. And I’m sure there was a word limit or so much of the page had to be filled up. The heart of Justis’ “wish” is that he wants his parents to live together. To be together. For them to be one big happy family. Justis didn’t even think about the fact that he has siblings here or about me. He was just thinking about his perfect world; his mom and dad together.
At Christmas time that same year, Justis wrote another paper that read
It would make it special if we get a real Christmas tree. If I could decorate the tree with my mom and dad. Some times I go to my dad’s and sometimes with my mom. I want my mom and dad to decorate the tree with each other.
Of course it hurt to read these papers. But in the years I have been a stepmother I have learned to put my feelings aside sometimes and realize that he is just a child. His intent was not to hurt me. He was just writing a paper for school. Writing how he felt. Writing about his dreams. I also had to think about what may have prompted these papers. Both of these papers were written the year after his mom and her boyfriend broke up and Justis, his mom and sister were living on their own again…after being a family for three years. His family had just recently split apart.
This brings me to my second point. The anger runs both ways. Not only is the child unhappy that you are now entering his world and part of his dad’s life, but we get angry because we are doing everything we know to get this kid to like us and he doesn’t. And damnit, we bend over backwards for this kid. Is it to much to ask that we get a little thank you in return? The simple answer is yes. He is the child. I am the adult. I know better. As the author states, “I identified that resentment was poisoning my attitude towards the girls. Until that point, I had done all sorts of stuff to try to make them like me. And, of course, when they didn’t, my hope turned to ashes.”
The article goes on to say, “The harsh truth is that step-families, more than any other group, are at risk of collapse. The rate of disintegration runs at 60 per cent for partnerships involving children from previous unions, which is considerably higher than both first marriages and remarriages that do not involve stepchildren.” Knowing this fact, it is our job as wives and step-mothers to make sure we are in the 40% who survive. This article lays out “the four cornerstones of good step-parenting” and I think this is awesome advice. If you are a stepmom, plan to be one soon or think you may be any time in the future I encourage you to read this article.
I particularly like her statement “try to understand that you may always come second to natural parents, but that second place is not so terrible.” Even as a seasoned stepmom of many, many years, I often need to remind myself that “second place is not so terrible.”
Pumpkins, Pumpkins Everywhere
Oct 22, 2005 In the holiday spirit
It’s not Halloween if you don’t have jack-o-lanterns. Ok, maybe Halloween will still happen, but carving the pumpkins is still a huge part of the holiday. So we decided to take a stab [hee hee..stab] at it today.
I’m a bit of a Halloween scrooge this year. I read somewhere that Halloween is the second most expensive holiday. The article spun it so it sounded like a good thing. Like Halloween is #2. Woo hoo. But I’m thinking….why is that a good thing? At least at Christmas you are spending money on gifts that other people will be able to use. At Halloween you are spending money on costumes you will probably never wear again, pumpkins that will rot and candy that will rot kids’ teeth. And am I the only one who read the article on the obesity problem in the United States? That being said we are going to give out packets of oatmeal. Oatmeal that we got for free from Lee’s cousin who works at Quaker Oats. Oh, we are so going to be the coolest parents on the block. You’re jealous. I know.
After two trips to the pumpkin patch we found ourselves with nine pumpkins. But we decided to only carve seven of them and leave the two smaller ones as decoration. We talked about painting on them, but we’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.
So anyway, we found some pumpkin stencils on the internet and Lee bought some pumpkin carving tools at Wal-Mart. We were set.
We had a system down. Lee cut the tops off. Justis and I scooped out the guts. Then I scraped the flesh to make sure there was no more pulp or whatever left in the pumpkin. It was going well until Lee got to Justis 42 pound pumpkin. Did I mention that Justis’ pumpkin was 42 pounds? Well that 42 pounds of pumpkin was too much for the little cheap blades you can buy at Wal-Mart. One of the blades snapped right off. And then there were three sharp blades.
Finally, we had all seven pumpkins gutted and we were ready to carve. We each picked out our designs. Justis began working on his dead face looking guy. Lee started working on Skyler’s Corpse Bride and I went to work on Spencer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Keaton wasn’t feeling well, but after his ibuprofen kicked in he joined us. He started a wolf on his pumpkin.
Just as I was finishing the turtle, Lee had a little mishap. His Corpse Bride collapsed right inside the pumpkin. And there was no saving it. Pumpkin suicide. And then there were six carvable pumpkins.
As Lee began the Corpse Bride on a different pumpkin, I finished up the turtle. And it looked pretty good, if I do say so myself. Then I worked on Caleb’s Batman.
In the meantime, blades were breaking left and right. I think Keaton broke the next one [but I can't really remember...it was just a blur or broken blades]. It was 11pm so Keaton headed off to bed while Lee, Justis and I finished up.
By this time I was done with Batman and Lee was working on Victor [the Johnny Depp character from Corpse Bride]. Justis was still working on his dead face thingy on his enormous pumpkin and Keaton had pretty much abondoned his wolf.
Just as Lee was finishing up Victor’s face, Justis’ blade broke. That big ole pumpkin is a blade breaking machine. But Lee was done with the small parts so he gave Justis his blade and he finished up with a kitchen knife.
In the end we only have four finished (so far) pumpkins, because Justis’ pumpkin broke the final blade later that night. But we’ll get more blades and finish up the dead thing and the wolf before Halloween.
Killing the Skyler Germs
Oct 21, 2005 Family Funnies
After school today, Spencer and I ran by Target to get some Lysol. I’m hoping the Lysol will get rid of the icky little germs that are cause all of the mayhem in my house this week.
Spencer asked, “What do we have to get?”
I said, “We need to get some Lysol.”
“What’s that?”
“It helps kill the bad germs.”
“Oh, so Skyler needs to drink it.”
Stifling a laugh I said, “No, I will just spray it around to get rid of the germs.”
Then we got home Spencer goes “Are you going to spray that stuff on Skyler now?”
Kids crack me up. Their minds are always working. Always thinking.
Vomitville
Oct 21, 2005 A day in our life
There is a sickness going through our house this week.
It started on Sunday night. One minute Spencer was fine. The next minute he was complaining of a stomach ache. And he didn’t want to eat. So I asked him if he needed to go poop. He tried, but he didn’t have anything. Then I told him he should lay down. He did that for a couple of minutes. Then he decided he was going to try going potty again. When he was finished he walked out to the couch. The couch I was sitting on. The couch where I was eating ice cream. And he projectile vomited right at my feet. That was fun. I, of course, hollered down to Lee. Cause I am so not good at cleaning up vomit.
Spencer threw up three more times that night. But by morning he was fine. And he even went to his soccer practice later that night and his very first wrestling practice right after that.
I have really been struggling with my asthma the last couple of weeks. This is a bad time of year for me with the weather changing. Plus air that is too cold or too hot is hard on me. Like Goldilocks, I like it just right.
So on Thursday I finally went to the doctor. I’m only pushing about 2/3 of my air through my lungs. That’s not too good. My doctor gave a shot of steroids in my air. That was so enjoyable. It wasn’t like a regular shot. This shot stung. And then my arm ached. All night. Even this morning it was aching. Now that’s a shot. And I consider myself somebody who can handle pain pretty well.
Then last night…now last night is the kicker. At around midnight I woke up soaking wet from head to toe. I have no clue why I was sweating so bad. I don’t know if it was the shot or what the deal was. My tummy was bothering me too. But I never did get sick.
But at 2am we woke up to Skyler crying upstairs. Lee went up to see what was wrong and Skyler had thrown up. Twice. In the hallway. So he got her cleaned up and had her lay down on the couch. He gave her a bucket in case she needed it and turned cartoons on for her real low. Then he used the carpet cleaner to clean the carpet in the hallway. Did I mention it was 2am?
When he finally got back to be and we drifted of to sleep again, we were startled awake again. This time it was Caleb that was crying uncontrollably. So Lee went upstair. Again. Caleb had thrown up all over himself. In his bed. Fun. And he was screaming because it was on his leg and he wanted it off. So Lee got him all cleaned up, got him a bucket and had him lay down on the other side of the couch. I gave both him and Skyler some Mylanta to hopefully settle their stomachs.
This morning when Lee was getting Spencer, Keaton and Justis to school, Skyler and Caleb were still throwing up. I gave them some more medicine and Lee gave them some kool-aid. Skyler immediately threw up the kool-aid.
Around 1pm I made lunch. Jimmy Neutron chicken noodle soup. But neither one of them ate it. Caleb took a few bites, but Skyler wouldn’t even touch it. She did want some water though. So I got that for her.
Then I left for America Reads Day at school. I three books to Spencer and his friend, Cade. When I got around 4pm, both Skyler & Caleb were sleeping. Just fifteen minutes ago (around 5:30pm) Skyler woke up and she said her tummy feels much better, but her head hurts. So she’s finally on the path to recovering. Caleb is still sleeping, but hopefully he’ll be much better when he wakes up too.
So how has your week been?
