Let me give you a little lesson in what eating out is like when you have a three year old.

As you may have guessed, brunch after Justis’ baptism was quite an adventure. It’s was more like the Caleb Show rather than a celebration for Justis.

First, the waitress brought out samples of muffins. One of them was chocolate, chocolate chip. Caleb wanted it. I said, “Would you like a peice of muffin?” To which he replied, “yes, yes, yes” as he shook his head up and down…passionately.

So I went to cut a piece off of for him and he freaked. I don’t mean a little “hey no, don’t cut that.” Instead I got an outrageous siren of a yell. Crocodile tears were streaming on to the table. His hands were turning white as he gripped the air with his fists. It was quite a sight. Apparently he did not want me to cut it at all. I don’t know if he was freaking because he wanted the whole muffin to himself. Or if he was hollering because he didn’t want me to cut it. He is getting very independent these days. Either way, I don’t think any of us were expecting that fierce reaction. Every single person in the restaurant was looking at us. So Lee pulled Caleb out of his chair kicking and screaming and took him out to the car.

Later a woman [probably a manager or something] brought Caleb, Skyler and Spencer stuffed animals that they could keep. I think that was her little bribe to say “please keep your freaking kids quiet.”

A little bit later our food arrived. Caleb ordered the rainbow pancakes. They were pancakes with whipped topping and rainbow sprinkles on them. The rainbow pancakes came with two slices of bacon. Caleb loves bacon. However, on this occassion, bacon was not loving Caleb. He took one bite and he began to choke on the bacon.

I noticed it first and started freaking out. Immediately tears came to my eyes as I pointed at him frantically screaming “CALEB. CHOKING. HELP!” Caleb was across the table from me, between my mom and Keaton. Keaton began smacking Caleb on the back. My mom tried to dig the bacon out of his mouth. And Lee jumped out of his seat.

Caleb finally pulled the bacon out of his mouth. It was half chewed and somewhat stringy. It was disgusting to look at. And my stomach was already in knots from witnessing my son almost choke to death. [Yes, I know I am a little overly dramatic. Live with it.] Here’s where the story gets good. Caleb took that disgusting piece of stringy half-chewed bacon and….re-ate it. Like a cat with it’s vomit. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited myself.

And then just when I thought I was ok I looked over at him and he still had a little bit of chewed up bacon on his chin. I dry heaved. I couldn’t take it anymore. I honestly thought I was going to have to excuse myself from the table. I had to ask my mom to please wipe his chin.

But that little mishap didn’t discourage Caleb from his true love…bacon. After he had eaten all of his own bacon he asked Grandma Cathy if he could have some of hers. She said, “Let’s share it. I’ll give you half.” He looked at her like she was insane. And then he very forcefully said, “NO” and began to whimper the beginnings of another hollering session. So she just handed him the whole piece of bacon. There is a time for teaching kids they don’t always get what they want. And then there is a restaurant where the kids has already alerted all of the patrons that we are horrible, evil parents who deserve to receive the evil eye from every passer byer [passer byer?!?] This was the time to just give him what ever his little heart desires.

But it doesn’t stop there. Caleb got pancakes. And you can’t eat pancakes without syrup. So Lee was going to pour the syrup on to Caleb’s pancakes. But Caleb wasn’t going to have any of that. I told you he’s getting very independent. I was very impressed to see him navigate the syrup all on his own. It’s kind of complicated to hold down that button that opens the spout and pour at the same time. I struggle with it sometimes. But Caleb handled it like a pro.

And then….then he did something I almost cannot repeat. If you know my OCD and my, not obsessive, but concern with other people’s germs, you’ll know how disgusted I was by this. Almost worse then the chewed up bacon. Caleb licked the spout of the syrup container thing. Licked it. WITH HIS TONGUE. This disgusting little syrup container that you know they don’t wash except maybe once on the third Tuesday in June. I seriously think I vomited in my mouth a little.

Lee kept that syrup container thingy out of the carrier [you know one of those three syrup container thingy carriers they have at all Perkins, IHOPs, Villiage Inns and any other pankcake place you can think of]. When the waitress came back Lee told her that Caleb had just licked that one and she probably wants to wash it. And you know what she did? She goes “Oh, ok.” and then put it right back in the three syrup containter thingy holder. You know she didn’t wash that. And some person is eating syrup that’s dripping over my kid’s germs on the way to their plate. I think from now on I will have to bring my own syrup to restaurants. I’m not kidding here.

By this point, the waitress was bringing us our check. I’ve never seen a waitress so thrilled to get rid of people before. And, honestly, I was never so happy to leave.