I’ve talked about the step-parent role in the past. I don’t post often about it because I want to respect Nicci’s privacy. I’ve always tried to keep the policy that I will only print things in my blog that I would say to somebody’s face [so I guess Rosie and Jessica will get an earful if we ever meet]. Plus we don’t have a bad relationship. We’re not best friends, but there’s no hair pulling or name calling [at least not to our faces *wink*] or really anything all that blog worthy.

But then Amy linked to me on Mom’s Daily Dose [and I was giddy like a school girl...she likes me, she really likes me] and I was a little embarrassed that I had a measley three posts about step-parenting; none of which were all that helpful to a new stepmom looking for advice.

So I thought about it and realized I can post about my experiences with a blended family without dissing Nicci or even talking about our relationship at all. So here is the first of many posts about my opinions on the roles in blended families. [I know, you are just giddy with anticipation.]

For a step-parent, learning to deal with an ex is never easy. On the flip side, being the ex having to deal with a new stepmom is just as difficult, if not more. Trust me, there have been mistakes on both sides in our situation and I’m sure in all blended family situations. Dealing with somebody you used to love is difficult. Dealing with somebody your ex now loves and who is now in your place in his/her heart is difficult. But when you have children you need to suck it up.

Let’s examine the following scenario.

Your ex has remarried. Your children now spend a lot of time with a new mother figure. That really pisses you off. Even if that new bitch wife is a perfectly normal woman, even if you might be friends with her if the circumstances were different [i.e. she wasn't married to your ex and trying to parent your children], you don’t like her.

Option 1: You make it clear to your kids that you don’t like her. You tell them they better not ever call her mom because you are their mom. You constantly quiz them about her and what she and their father did while the kids were there for the weekend. When your kids tell you they’re mad at her because she wouldn’t let them stay up until midnight, you tell them “next time tell her she’s not your mom and can’t tell you what to do.” And when they tell you she made them do some stupid craft that they thought was for little kids, you say “aren’t you glad you don’t live there all the time?”

Option 2: You smack talk the new wife to your friends, but you praise her to your kids. You make it clear to your kids that you will always love them and will always be their mom, but it’s ok to like [even love] daddy’s new wife too. When they come home from spending the weekend with their dad you let them tell you about the weekend if they want to without digging for every tidbit of information you can get out of them. When they tell you their mad they didn’t get to stay up until midnight, you tell them they know they aren’t allowed to stay up that late at either daddy’s house or mommy’s house. And when they tell you they had to do a craft they were think they are too old for, you tell the kids she was just trying to find soem fun activities they could do together and if they didn’t like the activity them maybe next time they can come up with a fun thing to do with her.

Option 1 leaves your kids feeling ashamed that they have fun with their dad and their new stepmom. It makes them feel like they have to trash talk their stepmom and their dad, even though they don’t want to. It makes them feel like they are betraying you if they can’t come up with something bad that their daddy’s wife did this time. It tells them it’s ok to lie because they will make things up to tell you.

Option 2 makes your children feel comfortable in both homes. It makes the transition from each parents house run much more smoothly. It allows your child to be true to their feelings. It allows your children to show love for everybody in their lives. It allows your child to feel like she can talk to you about anything because she knows you’ll always be there for her.

So which would you rather do? Because it’s not about you. It’s about your children. Do you want your children to feel shame? Or do you want your children to feel comfortable?

No matter how old we are, we are only human. And, as humans, we have a wide range of emotions. Emotions that include jealousy and anger and sometimes bitchiness just for the sake of being a bitch. But as parents we need to learn to bite our tongues and take the high road. Sometimes we need to bury our pride just for a little bit, so our kids will be happy. If you were required to sign a contract before you had a child, sometimes setting your emotions aside for the well-being of your child would certainly be on the front page of that very long document. So just keep that in mind next time you deal with the step-parent.