Co-ed Sleepovers for tweens…why are we even having this discussion?
Feb 8, 2007 In my humble opinion
Ok, so I’m a little late to the party. But you know me. Always fashionably late.
A couple of weeks ago there were some rumblings about teens having co-ed sleepovers. Then a few days ago the subject was brought up again when a mother told about her children’s school having a co-ed lock-in. Being that I have a tween and a teenager, I found this very interesting. Hormonal teenagers having sleepovers with the opposite sex.
Lock-ins
When I was little I was a Camp Fire Girl, a Blue Bird to be specific. One day all of the Camp Fire Girls in the whole city, and probably surrounding cities, had a lock-in at a local mall. I could be exaggerating because everything seems bigger when you’re a child, but there were thousands of girls hanging out in the mall that night.
It was a requirement that a parent accompany you to the lock-in. So my dad went. Now that I think about it, was that appropriate? For a man to be at an overnight event with thousands of girls. I wonder if there were other dads there. In any event, if my dad didn’t go with me, I didn’t go. My mom lived thousands of miles away and I believe this was before my stepmom was a big part of my life [although I would have been more comfortable with my dad going anyway].
A couple years ago, when Keaton was a fifth grader, he was in Boy Scouts. They had a lock-in at the local baseball stadium. They pitched tents on the field. They had a blast. Lee went with Keaton [because, um, me in a tent...I think not], but Keaton’s scout leader was a woman. And she was at the lock-in with her son. In fact there were many mom’s accompanying their boys at the lock-in and I don’t think anything thought anything about mom’s being there with all these young boys.
These lock-ins from our youths worked because a parent accompanied their child. One parent for each child [or two if you have siblings, but you get the point]. There was enough supervision to make sure these kids were safe and didn’t make poor decisions. And these parents looked after just their child. So if their kid was missing for long they went looking for them. In the case of a school party, you could have tons of parents but they are “assigned” to an individual child. You could have 50 parents watching the dance floor, but whose looking under the bleachers or in the bathrooms or who knows where else kids could find to do things they know they aren’t supposed to.
Co-ed Sleepovers
And I haven’t even addressed the co-ed aspect of it. Do you remember when you were twelve? Or fourteen? Or sixteen? Do you want your daughter around a fourteen year old boy? Do you really trust your son or daughter?
There were a lot of comments stating “I trust my kid. I just don’t trust the other kids.” Hmm…think back to when you were this age. Should your parents have trusted you? I can’t be the only one who was a little dishonest with my parents [and I was a good girl...mostly]. Peer pressure’s a bitch. And if your best friend has already kissed a boy [which can happen even if she's a straight A student, who does all her chores and responsibly babysits her little brother every day after school], they you want to kiss a boy too. Yeah, you’re mom said kissing boys was bad. And they might even have cooties. But everybody is doing it.
So a lock-in with hundreds of kids at a school? No way. Not unless each child has to be accompanied by a parent. And I think we all know kids at this age don’t want to be seen with their parents. Plus their sneaky at this age and they don’t think about the consequences of their actions. So why risk it?
Now what about smaller groups of kids at a party at home or a hotel [gasp]. Let’s start with hotels. Why would you spend money on hotel rooms for teenagers? I’m guessing you want them to have access to a pool and hot tub or whatever. If that’s the case rent a city pool for a few hours during the day. You don’t need to rent hotel rooms for teenagers. But if you do, I’m assuming you’d at least have a girl room and a boy room, but unless you’re planning on sitting in the hallway in between the two rooms ALL NIGHT LONG what difference would two rooms make. When I was 18 my friends and I used to rent hotel rooms to have parties. Co-ed parties. It wasn’t a big orgy fest [it was more a drinkfest], but I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t want to know what went down at some of these parties. That was the point of going to the hotel. Why would a parent initiate that? That’s just crazy talk.
Our experience with a boy/girl party
When Justis was in sixth grade, we let him have a girl/boy party. The girls were allowed to stay until 11pm and the boys spent the night. Justis invited six girls and all of their parents said no. At the last minute two of the girls were allowed to come, but their parents would only let them stay until 7pm. I guess their parents didn’t want to stay up until 11pm. I was kind of shocked that all of the parents were concerned about the boy/girl party. We were not planning on going to bed before the girls left. Both Lee and I were here. And we were very much supervising the party.
The more I thought about it the more I realized I’d be pretty leery of it too because I didn’t know any of those girls’ parents. I’d have to be VERY sure that the parents really were going to be there and really were going to be supervising [and not hiring strippers]. Although I will say that not one of those parents called to talk to me.
Teenagers don’t always think before they act.
In conclusion [if you're still with me after this long winded post], I was out of high school, but still a teenager when I got pregnant the first time. I knew better. I knew the consequences. My parents had preached it all to me. I’d sat through sex ed at school. I was even on birth control the months prior to getting pregnant with Keaton. But then I stopped taking it just for one month because it was expensive and, you know, I needed money for beer. Kids are dumb. [I mean that in the nicest way possible.] Kids don’t make good decision. Even if we think we trust them. Even if they’re good kids. They just don’t think ahead. They know the consequences but they don’t think about them in the moment. So why encourage boys and girl sleeping together, even if they really would just sleep [although, I seriously doubt that's all they'd be doing]. They’ll have plenty of time in their twenties to have co-ed sleepovers.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
February 9th, 2007 at 6:03 am
All I can say is WOW! Thank you for continuing the discussion of the co-ed sleepover topic here. Your insight is so well written and much appreciated.
As for my comment that I trust my child – let me clarify. I trust my first child – my brainiac, rule-following, low-key, shy boy. As for my second and third children – they are social diva girls and I don’t trust them one bit.
Thanks again – your blog has become a daily read.
February 9th, 2007 at 7:38 am
We had lock-ins when I was in highschool. True, it was for us chorus nerds, but we had a great time. I’m sure there were chaperones there, but I don’t remember the parents. I just remember all of us putting on skits and playing basketball and running about a little slap-happy like.
Hotels? No way!
Co-ed parties at someone’s home? That’s a scary thought. I was a goodie two-shoes, but I remember what my hormones were like as a teenager (why can’t I have those same hormones now while I’m married??!!).
February 10th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
The other aspect of this is to ask yourself what could possibly be gained by allowing a coed sleepover. It won’t make your child any happier, a better, more well-rounded person or increase their knowledge, talents or self-esteem. There is nothing good that could come of such a situation and everything to be risked. It makes no sense and I can’t help but wondering where all the parents have gone–are their children calling the shots? Why aren’t the adults in charge anymore?
February 11th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I’m one of the parents who is not opposed to co-ed sleepovers, as long as they are small groups, and are well-supervised. I do trust16-year-old daughter, and I trust the small, tight-knit group of friends-both boys and girls-that she has had for several years.
Actually, I disagree that there is nothing to be gained from co-ed sleepovers. I think that, if nothing else, my daughter has learned that she can be good friends with boys, without there being anything sexual. She has normal hormones, but that doesn’t mean she’s attracted to every boy she sees! Her group of friends are all close. They do date, but they enjoy getting together without dates to play video games, listen to music, watch movies, etc. She calls her male friends for boyfriend advice, and vice-versa.
I have always had close male friends as well as female friends. I’m glad my daughter has the chance to learn early in life that she can be good friends with males, as well as being in romantic relationships with them.
February 11th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
I see your point. It definitely is good to have both male and female friends. I have some good male friends as well. In fact I sometimes feel like I relate better to my male friends. But, as an adult, I never have sleepovers with them unless it’s romantic. And when I was a teenager I had a very good male friend which was totally platonic. But once it went farther then that. There was no alcohol involved or anything. Just a conversation that got emotional and we lost our heads. We didn’t sleep together, but we were doing things I don’t do with my girlfriends. It was just that one time, but one time is enough when it comes to my teenagers. Teens can have very good friendships with members of either sex without having sleepovers with the opposite sex.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:23 pm
I agreed to host an after prom (Junior Prom) party…
until the week before the party…sitting around in
a snow storm planning the menu … I realized, that it
had morphed into a coed sleepover.
Long story short – I nixed it. The party would have mostly
taken place in my finished basement, with a small crowd,
and there was only one romantically inclined couple -BUT,
there are two boys who I’ve heard my daughter describe
as very immature. Frankly, I’m more worried about them
horsing around and one of them falling and “cracking his head open” as our mothers would say! Well, my mother said
it often enough …
Now some other parent has stepped up and offered use
of her home for same party. I am waiting for her call
back – I want to hear what the supervision situation
will be. House is a ranch – so that’s good. But if
the parents are just going to sleep … I’m not going
to approve this.
Puts a real damper on the whole event this week – you’d
think I lit a match to my daughter’s gorgous gown …
Overall – people I’ve polled, here in the Boston area -
say NO to coed sleepovers. But there have been a few
here and there that allowed their kids to attend – but -
they’re NOT hosting them … interesting…
June 26th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Do you think sleepovers with an opposite sex cousin at age 12 is a bad idea?
October 15th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Honestly, i dont find anything wrong with co-ed sleepovers.
you should be able to trust your son/daughter enough to let them have a sleepover and thats all it is, movie, popcorn. This is a key part of growing up and teenages are a lot smarter than you make them out to be, they do think of the coincidences as they would b the ones that wud have to hold them up. Why would they? they wouldnt do anything wrong, that is the answer. giving teens freedom is the only thing to do as if u hold them in your grasps forever the wont trust you and they will try and be rebelious. if you allow them to go out, have co-ed sleepover, you will know where they are AND they will trust you. because they understand that you trust them aswell and that you remember how it was when your parents didnt trust you, even though you were just going to try and relax and have fun. and i remember the feeling of being accused before you could even say hello. I didnt like that feeling and i know you didnt either. Give your teens leway and both you and they will find it alot easier to live.
December 6th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Of course there’s not sleeping at a coed sleepover. Heck, there’s not even sleeping at a same sex sleepover! But, that doesn’t mean you should be so quick to assume it’s a giant orgy. Believe it or not, despite the “hormones” teens would like a little privacy. Most aren’t about to rip off their clothes in front of ten of their other friends because girls judge, guys are perverts, and everyone talks. As long as everything is kept in an open room with parental supervision, I really don’t understand what everyone fears. So yes, think back to when you were 15 or 16 years old. Kissing a boy on a dare was embarrassing enough. Do you really think that you would strip down and have a giant sex party in front of everyone with the possibility of your parents walking in any minute? I don’t think so.