Earlier this evening I wasted thirty minutes of my life watching Rock of Love. Have you heard about this show? It’s a spin-off of Flavor Flav’s two seasons of Flavor of Love where Flavor Flav was looking for his one true-love. Kind of a Bachelor for has been 80’s stars, otherwise known as a publicity stunt to get their names back in the headlines.

Ok, I’ll admit it. I actually watched Flavor of Love. Dude, in the second season one of the girls actually pooped on the floor. How can you not watch a show where a girl poops on the floor on national television? And you know she was embarrassed about it, but she really handled herself well after it happened. Now that’s some good TV people. And that New York. Oh how I love her. She’s just the right kind of psycho to make great TV without being all Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

I am a girl of the 80’s. I spent a good many years walking around with my shirts hanging off just one shoulder and leg warmers wrapped around my calves. Heck I went through a whole Madonna stage where I wore the lacy gloves whenever I had the chance [and sadly I have the pictures to prove it]. In high school I rolled up my jeans so tight I think I still have dents in my ankles. Oh, and we won’t even discuss my junior year in high school where I spent the whole year in crazy leggings with big sweaters. We just won’t go there.

I also went through the Heavy Metal stage. Not like my friend Cammie who had the big ol’ hair that took a whole can of Aqua Net hairspray. Her hair wouldn’t move for days. Even after she showered. She also had so many rocker posters all over her room I couldn’t even tell you what color the paint on the walls was. But I enjoyed me some rockers too. And I liked Poison with their big hair, makeup and all. So I get it. Bret Michaels is a hottie. Still to this day. Even in his forties.

So I expected this show to be a good one. But I was sadly mistaken.

In Rock of Love Bret Michaels is searching for his special someone. He’s got a whole slew of girls vying for his love. I think all the girls are in their twenties, but many of them are looking a little rough so it’s really hard to tell. If there was ever a public service announcement for why you should keep your butt out of the sun and use sunscreen every single day, this show is it. Rodeo’s skin is so leathery I think we could make a pair of boots out of it. And don’t even get me started on the fake boobs and peroxide hair. These girls aren’t just looking for an 80’s rock star. They still think they’re living in the 80’s.

But even that’s not the worst of it. I can handle fake boobs and dyed hair. What drives me crazy about this show is the way the girls act. You remember back when you were in high school [or maybe your early twenties] and you still believed all that bull crap boys used to tell you? Stuff like, “If you really loved me you’d do it.” In our teens, some of us might have been a tad bit self-conscious and sometimes did things we didn’t really want to just to impress a boy. But then we got older, grew a backbone and told those boys to shove it up their you know what. The girls on this show never grew up. I’m pretty sure most of those girls would do anything [and I mean anything] that Bret asked them to. And it’s just sad. I’m embarrassed for them. These grown women seem to have forgotten they are on national television where their grandmothers could see them [although I don't know many grandmothers who watch VH1 on a regular basis].

If that wasn’t bad enough it’s like high school all over again with the cliques and all. There’s the “A Team” a.k.a “Varsity” [as they've termed themselves] which are the girls who like to booze it up all day long while hanging from stripper poles with their tops off while the rest of the group french kisses other girls. [Yes, all that in one episode. And on at six o'clock at night.] And then there’s a second group of girls who are a little more laid back and aren’t so willing to completely throw out their self-respect for an old rocker. Of course the “Varsity” team thinks they are just the bomb and the other girls might as well go home. I almost had to utilize my trash can [to vomit] listening to these catty “A Team” girls. I’m thinking “A Team” stands for a-hole.

This episode I watched tonight was the second episode. In this episode the girls had to “talk dirty” to Bret [yes, a pathetic reference -- the shows, not mine -- to the Poison song] so he could get a feel [pun intended] for how it would be if they were dating and he was on the road traveling. He had a “doctor” hook up a contraption to his you-know-what to “scientifically” see how aroused he was by the girls dirty talk. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.

So let me just save you some precious moments and advise you to stay away from this show. At one point one of the girls [not an "A Team" girl] said something about how the house looked like one of those sleazy strip clubs by the airport and I couldn’t agree more. The whole show is like one big sleazy airport strip club. I don’t mind a little sleaze. After all I’m a huge Real World fan. But this show takes it to a new extreme. If Bret Michaels truly is looking for a true love he might want to re-evaluate what he wants in a girl ’cause these girls ain’t it.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 23rd, 2007 at 11:14 pm and is filed under Watching way too much TV. Comments are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.