The university I attend does not like non-traditional students. Ok, maybe that’s not fair. Maybe it’s not that they don’t like us. They just don’t understand us. For example, I’ve had several night classes that schedule midterms and finals earlier in the day. There’s nothing like taking some vacation time to drive 45 minutes to school to take a final. And every. single. class. has group projects requiring me to drive to campus an extra day or two a week for the entire term to meet up with my team. That means driving an hour and half at $3.05 a gallon to meet for an hour. It doesn’t make me happy.

But what really ticks me off is their mail. Can they not put some kind of flag in their system that tells them I’m a grown up? You’d think that would be easy enough. But noooo. Every piece of mail that comes to my house from the university is addressed “To the parents of Christine” or to Lee like he’s my dad or something. It’s kind of insulting. I got my Associates degree from from a local community college and they always addressed my mail to me. So I know it can be done.

So I was not surprised to get some mail today addressed “To the parents of Christine.” But I was a little surprised to read what was inside.

Finals are coming up in just a few weeks. Apparently the university believes students need brain food for the occasion. And they have found a way to make money off of parents catering to their students.

The university is offering “care packages” for students during finals. Care packages like you send to people in the hospital after they’ve had a baby. Or that hotels leave in the room to welcome you. Fairly expensive care packages from $25 to $60. And, of course, the university is really pushing parents [or, I guess, Lee in my case] to buy the $60 package.

There’s a fruit basket with apples and oranges. There’s a survival pack with “success snacks” like Chips Ahoy Cookies, microwave popcorn, Apples Jacks, M&Ms and Twizzlers. [Can't students buy their own junk food?] There’s also a “Cup of Inspiration” with gourmet teas and hot cocoas and flavored coffee. The big $60 pack includes everything; all of the fruit, the “success snacks” and the beverages. Do kids even care? I’m trying to think back to when I was was twenty years old. Did I really want a basket of fruit? Hell no. I wanted money so I could buy some beer.

And the university has some aggressive sales tactics. The first paragraph of the letter is just one big guilt trip.

Two students showed up to get their Care Packages. One beamed when she received her package. The other, whose family had not reserved a package, immediately used her cell phone and called Mom with a plaintive “You didn’t send me a Care Package?”

They might as well have said, “If you love your child, you’ll buy them a Care Package. If you don’t buy one then your kid will know you meant it all those times you got mad and called them that foul name. After all, only abusive parents don’t buy a Care Package.”

And if you weren’t convinced by that first paragraph, they threw in another zinger for you.

A Care Package is tangible proof that the people students count on are thinking of them at exam time. It makes them feel supported, not alone. It’s also fun.

See? If you don’t send a care package then you don’t love your child. Without a basket of fruit your child won’t feel like they have your support. Never mind the fact that you paid several thousand dollars to send them to college and let them live on campus. Or the money you forked over for a week in Ft. Lauderdale over Spring Break. Or what about the fact that two days after finals the kids will be home begging for money to go out with their friends or the family car to go meet their boyfriend. But what really will make them know you love and support them is some bags of tea and coffee. You’ve got to be kidding me.

I think I have just the place for this “Care Package” order form. Right over here in this big, blue recycle tub.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 13th, 2007 at 10:31 pm and is filed under Dude, you're gettin' an 'A'. Comments are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.