Do stay-at-home moms need a full-time nanny?
Nov 28, 2007 In my humble opinion
I’m having a stressful week. First there was Skyler’s new do, that she cut herself. Then I got some sort of stomach virus yesterday that was really no fun. And today I got in to a screaming match with Justis. Yes I know screaming at your teenager gets you nowhere. But sometimes it’s just so hard to keep being the adult when your teenager is rolling their eyes at you and calling you stupid.
So I’m worn out and already thinking about going to bed. And it’s not even 10:30. That’s really early for me.
But there are only three days of NaBloPoMo left and I refuse to give up now. So I turned to my trusty Parenting magazine for inspiration.
This month’s Mom Debate is “Is it okay for a stay-at-home mom to also have a full-time nanny or use daycare?”
I’m not a stay-at-home mom. My stay-at-home mom experiences were limited to 12 [exhausting] weekly periods after the birth of each of my babies. When Skyler & Spencer were born Keaton was in kindergarten so that worked out nicely…especially since there was two of them and Skyler was colicky. When Caleb was born I kept Skyler & Spencer home with me. I was the breadwinner and didn’t want to spend the daycare expense when I was only getting 66 2/3 of my pay. So in more than thirteen years, I’ve had around 24 weeks of stay-at-home mom experiences. That hardly makes me an expert on the matter.
And yet I still have opinions.
Surprisingly [at least to me] 57% of the 1500 respondents said “Yes, it is okay for a stay-at-home mom to also have a full-time nanny or use daycare.” Really? A full-time nanny?
One respondent said, “I don’t begrudge anyone who has help in the home so they can spend a few hours a week doing something nice for themselves.” And I’m with her. Moms need to take care of themselves or they will never have the energy to take care of their family or their homes. But a few hours a week doesn’t require a full-time nanny. Get a sitter for an hour or two a day to go to yoga or the local coffee shop or just to go shopping on your own without the pitter patter of little feet running like crazy people all over the store. Put the kids in preschool or part-time daycare so you can take care of your needs. But full-time?
Another respondent said “As a mom of two, I have a full-time nanny, and I take advantage of the free time to cook fresh, healthy meals for us.” It takes you 40 hours to cook fresh, healthy meals? What the heck are you making? I would guess, even Rachel Ray doesn’t spend 40 hours a week making fresh, healthy meals. Heck, I make fresh, healthy meals a couple times a week and I have five kids, work full-time outside the home and go to college.
If I worked from home full-time then I would likely hire a full-time nanny. Outside of that I’m not really following why a stay-at-home mom would need a full-time nanny. I thought the point of staying home was to spend time with your children; to be their teacher and their caregiver. If you have a full-time nanny doing that job then what’s your role? Apparently it’s cooking 40 hours worth of fresh, healthy meals. If you are doing that then why can’t the kids help you cook those fresh, healthy meals? Kids, boys and girls alike, love to help out in the kitchen.
I just don’t get it. If you’re one of those 57%, please educate me. [But in a nice, bunnies are cute kind of way because I'm having a stressful week and you don't want to make me cry, do you?]
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Tags: full-time nanny, stay-at-home mom
November 29th, 2007 at 6:33 am
I’m with you…sorry, but my job as a mom is to take care of my kids. If I am a SAHM (which I’ve never gotten to be, I’m ALSO the breadwinner for my family and have had to work full time all my adult life), then my job is to care for my kids. I cook “healthy” meals five or six days a week in my house and I work 50+ hours at a day job and my kids range from 5 to 17 with all that that entails. I also do all the grocery and sundry shopping, all the laundry, all the bill-paying, all the homeschooling (yes, we do that too!!), and still manage to not need a nanny.
Now you know why I don’t read Parents magazine, although it is delivered free to my mailbox every month. It goes straight in the trash, and ergo, my blood pressure stays low. I don’t know about all the things I “should” be doing with my kids, all the money I “should” be spending, etc. I don’t need the extra stress, I can tell you!
November 29th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Yeah, I don’t get it either. The thought of hiring a nanny or sending my kids to daycare while I am a SAHM has never crossed my mind. Even though I am working from home now, I’m still the one who takes care of Bridget. I may not get all the work done that I want (or even need) to, but I’ll be darned if the money I earn is gonna go to someone else’s bank account.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I am a full time mom. I don’t quite get it either.
I would get a part time nanny or occasional babysitter. But really all I want for help is someone else to cook and clean. I can do the parenting myself.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I’m with you on this one too. My husband and I had kids for us to raise not others. I work from home and am able to adjust my hours around the kids. It’s not to say that I don’t always have laundry to do, but that stuff can be put on the back burner for a little while. It’s great if people are finacially able to hire someone to help out, but I would rather spend that money on doing fun things with my kids. Many parents don’t have the opportunity to stay home, so if you are able to what’s the point if you hire someone to do your “stay at home part”.
November 30th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
I read today Kevin Federline is asking the judge to up Britney Spears’ child support payments, because the 15k a month he’s getting now is not enough to pay for security and round the clock nannies. Why does a guy with no job need nannies?? I thought that’s what this post would be about! LOL..Regardless, same deal. A few hours a week I understand, full time is just insane.
Sara
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December 1st, 2007 at 2:51 pm
i’m a full time mom…i’ve been for almost 12 years. and…i don’t get why these women need nanny’s and au pairs. to me, if you are going to have kids and not work…then spend time with the kids…you’ll have plenty of time to work out, go shopping and go to spas…when they are in school!
i can understand a baby sitter…i could use one, myself…a couple of hours a week…but, full time! no way, i chose to have kids and i choose to raise them! period!
great post!
December 6th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I am a stay at home mom and I can totally see why someone would want to have a full time nanny or use childcare either on occasion or regularly. I know many stay at home moms who feel the same. Being a stay at home mom isn’t like a 9-5 job. And I have many years under my belt in the outside working world. Taking care of a child is a 24 hour a day job. And no matter how stressful a job you have or how much you are devoted to it–you can NEVER, EVER take a 100% break from being a parent.
As a stay at home mom I hired a Mother’s helper to come in a few times a week and hang out with my 4 month old for about 4 or 5 hours a day just so I could sleep!
Also, being a new mother is very isolating. For those who are okay just socializing with your kids…good for you. But when you become a mom, there isn’t instantly this large group of stay at home moms to connect with. Most are busy with their own kids, or their kids are at different ages, or you just don’t get along with them. It is great is you can be a super mom. But for me personally it always comes down to–taking care of the baby, or cleaning the house. Cooking or ordering something in or making a frozen pizza so I can watch my little guy. Taking a break and getting some much needed rest to be a great mom–or being a complete zombie.
And, it has improved my sex life–I’m a married adult and I enjoy my husband and being married. I don’t believe that marriages have to come to a romantic standstill because of a baby. I love my child more than anything, but if a few hours of uninterrupted sleep during the day helps me to not only be a better mother, but also a better lover, I’m all for it.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Wow, that last comment blows my mind. I am also a married adult woman who enjoys her husband and being married (quite often I would like to add – wink wink) My husband and I both work outside of the home and work together everyday in houshold responsibilities. I don’t get a 4 to 5 hour nap every day. I still have laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping to do in the evenings. I still cook dinner and meal on the weekends, holidays, and thankfully many work from home and vacation days.
Staying home with our kids (ranging from 1-12 – there are 4 total) is challenging. Some days it is harder than being in the corporate world. I see no issues with daycare a few hours a week, preschool or play groups. But to take a nap or have some husband time. I don’t know about you but my kids are in bed by 8:30 pm. My husband and I go on dates (even if that is having the kids go to their grandparents house and we stay home) My 1 year old loves to dust things when I clean. He likes to play with pots and pans when I cook. My older kids can help with cleaning as their chores and can actually help me cook. Take a break for sure, but every day full time…..wow….
December 6th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
D-
I understand where you are coming from. I think the issue is more with moms who hire more full time nannies not occassional babysitters. I’m all for someone hiring a sitter from time to time to get a break, but I don’t think people are unable to get things done just because they have a child. I’d rather hire someone to clean my house then watch my kids so I have to clean my house. Being a sahm isn’t for everyone. If it isn’t then people should say it isn’t rather then blaming the child for why things can’t get done. If you tackle one small thing every day then there’s no reason the bulk of your list can’t get done. If I can manage to go food shopping with 2 wild kids and be there and home in 1 hr. and 10 mins with a full cart I think others can do because I am far from being the most organized. If people do some common sense things like take a list in order of the isles (food store provide this index card for free), take snacks, give your child their own list of items to look for, it’s a piece of cake.
I agree with you that having kid doesn’t mean your marriage is on hold. I am a wahm and have two kids that I take to and from school so I am always on the go, but my husband and I always make time for one another. If anything our marriage has grown stronger over the years.
I wanted to let you know that there are playgroups organizations world wide where you can meet other moms with kids the exact same age as yours. I joined two playgroups when my oldest was 8 months old and it really helped for she was a clingy baby. Some organizations charge a small yearly fee (my one group was $32/year to cover their newsletters and misc. activities). Some great places to look are your peds. office, local newspapers, and churches. There are also great websites that you can meet great new friends. I have been close friends with a group of women for 6 years. Some I have met in person since we live all over and one I see every summer. Being a new mom doesn’t have to be isolating, you just need to look and you’ll find lots of other mom’s in the same situation as you looking for other new moms to get together with.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:15 am
I can understand calling a baby sitter so you can have some alone time with your hubby but a full-time nanny… That defeats the point of a stay at home mom.
Kevins last blog post..Kevin Federline Insider Interview About Britney Spears Divorce
August 13th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m a full time at home mom and get the desire for a full time nanny. The moms I know who are at home with a nanny are very involved with the children. BUT they can get out of the house with two when one is napping, have somebody run the errands while they go to the park with the kids… and get a break, too, without having to pop in a video (those who I know who can afford a full time nanny have husbands who work crazy, crazy hours, weekends included).
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I am a full time mom with daycare for my infant. I pay for the daycare everyday, just to have it there when I need it. I love the structure and consistency of it. As a mom of three, with a husband who works about 70 hours per week, I welcome the support of a loving child development professional. She has a masters degree in early childhood and shares her wisdom with me and helps my baby in so many ways. Even though the daycare is available for most of the day, I choose to spend much of that time with my baby at home. I like to keep things flexible , as we have tons of things going on that are not age appropriate for a baby and her important sleeping/eating schedule. On an average day I get my nine and seven year old boys ready for school and they leave at about 7:30 to catch their ride. I have alone time with my baby for a couple of hours, usually until about 9:00 or 9:30. Then I pack her up and take her to the AWESOME daycare. Next I go to the gym and run whatever errands I need to run for the day, such as volunteer at my older kids school,grocery shopping, get oil changes, doctors appointments, have lunch with a friend, home improvements, etc. The care that my precious daughter receives at her daycare is much better that the care I could provide while doing all of these things. She would basically be strapped down in her car seat with a binky stuck in her mouth to keep quiet. Instead she is lovingly held and read to. She can babble as much as she wants to and loves looking around at the age appropriate surroundings. She is learning baby sign language and is able to follow her own sleeping/eating schedule, while I’m running all over. As soon as I finish my errands, I go pick her up, usually at about 3:00 or 3:30, so we have about another hour or so alone together before her big brothers get home from school. THen we have dinner together, play do home work, etc. It works really well for me. I feel very bonded to my children and less resentful of having my husband stuck at work completing his required billable hours. A happy, peaceful mom makes for happy peaceful kids all late afternoon and evening. Stretching the mom too thinly doesn’t help anyone. Most daycare centers don’t offer a part time care each day and so you have to pay for the whole day,even though many moms don’t use all that they’ve paid for. It’s a little on the expensive side, but it’s worth the flexablity and consistent schedule it provides us. It’s very comforting to me to know that I consistently have it there and that I don’t have to worry about separation anxiety with all different babysitters. I like that at the center she has one low ratio care AND that she has lots of eyes on her so I know exactly what is going on there. They record everything she eats, what she does, when she sleeps and she come home with adorable projects and fun stuff. If I were a little baby I would much rather go there to play, while my mom ran boring errands, than get stuck in my car seat for hours on end. And at any time, when needed, I don’t hesistate to stay home all day for a mommy daughter pajama day and skip daycare. We skip it about once a week or so. I just like having it there as a safe, familiar, fun option whenever I need it.
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I’ll also add that we don’t use the daycare at all between the months of May and September, when the weather is nice…
March 6th, 2009 at 6:53 am
The only time a full-time (40+ hours) nanny is acceptable is if one of the following applies: you have 3 or more kids, you are a single mom, you have a husband that is never around because of work, the first couple of months when your baby is not sleeping (temporarily), or you have a special needs child. Otherwise, part-time help is really all that a stay at home mom should get in order to have a break every day and run errands. The problem is the attitude many of these moms with full time nannies have. Many probably thought that having a kid was their ticket to not working. Then they realized how much work it really is, so got full time help. I personally think it’s an insult to call these women Stay at home moms to the women that really do stay at home without help. I personally work full-time and have a wonderful full time nanny for my two year old. I do everything on the weekends for my daughter. However, I took a week off from work once and got to see what it was like to have a full time nanny and not work. Let me tell you it was a life of leisure for one week. It was fantastic. However, I felt guilty so I let my nanny off early and used the extra time to spend with my child, but I didn’t have to wash bottles or do laundry.
I have a relative who really is Mrs. X from the nanny diaries. She doesn’t work, and her nanny works 50+ hours a week starting from the time she had only one child This is all so she can shop and socialize. She doesn’t even cook, clean, or volunteer. She didn’t even breastfeed her two children. She talks about how having a child was traumatic for her. She is also on her fifth or sixth nanny. She obviously has no perspective. It’s really hard to respect these type of women as mothers and human-beings.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:02 am
For the most part, I don’t get the need for a SAHM to have a FT nanny. But of course, there are so many exceptions (as Meredith listed above — special needs child, workaholic husband, multiple children), that it would be unfair to make a global statement that FT help is universally excessive. I think it really depends on the family situation.
The woman who says she uses a FT nanny so she can cook nutritious meals (isn’t that what Whole Foods is for?) sounds like she is grasping at straws to justify this luxury (which it is). And she’s someone I wouldn’t really consider to be a SAHM. She’s a stay-at-home wife/chef.
Another way I look at it is that some people just can’t handle a lot of work or stress. These are the women who need a lot of extra help in the face of only a small challenge (i.e. the ones with one non-handicapped kid who get a FT nanny). Then there are the awesome super-SAHMS who do it all themselves (cook, clean, care for babies) and in my opinion, are far superior to the rest of us.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
What makes one person an expert on someone else’s life? There are a myriad of things you can judge a person on – especially mother’s. It could be working outside the home, not working outside the home; homeschooling, public school, private school, etc. But really, is it my place to judge another’s decision on how they choose to run their family? I haven’t walked in their shoes. Every individual is different, every child is different. What one person is able to handle, another may not be. I don’t understand why people feel they have the right to impose their views on anyone else. If a stay at home mother has a full time nanny I don’t see how it is anyone else’s concern.
I am a stay at home mom and haven’t had a babysitter since my son was born. We don’t live near family and I don’t know anyone in the city we just moved to. The most my son has been away from me is a few hours when we happen to be visiting family or on Sundays in the church nursery. That’s my life. I’m not going to begrudge someone for hiring a nanny and taking some time to themselves. I also don’t judge working mother’s who choose to put their children in daycare. It is their decision and no one else’s and it’s no one’s business but theirs.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I wouldn’t judge anyone who says they desire or even need a full-time nanny if they stay at home. First of all, even they are technically a SAHM, you don’t know if that means that they might be very involved or dedicated to activities taht might take them out of the home on a regular basis. Maybe those activities are crucial to their well-being, and if the SAHM is in agreement with her husband to use a full-time nanny, then by all means, I don’t see anything wrong with that.
The SAHM could have a young toddler and be terribly ill with morning sickness while pregnant with another one. Maybe she feels like she can’t give all the energy she wants to the child. It doesn’t mean she is any less involved. In fact, it is better for the child that someone can give them their full attention and energy at one time than a mommy who is drained and distracted all the time. If you can afford the help, then I don’t see any problem with having a full-time nanny.
Maybe the SAHM wants to transition into going back to work part-time. Anyone with kids knows that staying at home is all-encompassing. There wouldn’t even be hardly any time to revise a resume or network. Even more so, many people are raising families where other family members like grandparents or aunts and uncles are nowhere nearby, so there are no natural babysitters.
In any case, you should never judge someone’s parenting style if you don’t really know what’s going on. Everybody has different personal goals and aspirations for themselves and their families, as well as different budgets and lifestyles.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Thank you!!!! Finally, a woman that agrees with me! I get so tired of seeing women that do not work, but still have their children taken care of by someone else. Yes, if you want to have a sitter come over while you get some things done that are difficult to do when you’ve got to handle your kids, that’s fine. I wish I could do something like that. Fortunately, I have a wonderful mother that is happy to take my son anytime I’ve got a meeting or need to run a quick errand and can’t take him with me. I’m actually watching an episode of Wife Swap right now with a woman that has three children, four nannies, and spends the entire day (from the time she wakes until she goes to bed) without her children, pampering herself. Why did these people have children?! What a disservice they are doing to those babies. They will never be able to believe their parents love them, and why should they? You make HUGE sacrifices for your children. Why shouldn’t we? Our parents did just that for us. All our parents ever asked of us was to do the same for our own children someday. I work three jobs from home, take care of my son 24/7, cook supper, keep the house (as much as I’m able), and take care of the finances. I’ve not had time for myself since I had my son. But, you know what? I’m OK with that. I don’t regret a single moment that I’ve spent with my little man. Life is fleeting, so we must embrace it while it is still here. I firmly believe that if you have children, you take on the responsibility of giving those children your attention, touch, love, and affection. You shouldn’t pay someone else to do it more than you do it yourself. Daycares and nannies are a means to help you balance your duties – not to take them on and leave you to only “deal” with your children a few hours out of the day.
Just my opinion, but I can tell you that my son is a far happier child than other children in my family whose moms aren’t around them by choice.
January 16th, 2010 at 12:46 am
I am assuming a lot of these comments are from suburban or rural moms whose husbands are 9-5ers. My husband and I live in NYC and he is has a business which requires him to travel around the globe. He travels about 15 days out of the month and the 15 days he is home he works in the city and has 2-3 late business dinners a week. Many of my friends here in the city have similar situations. My daughter and I accompany him on many trips so we can spend time together. I am now expecting again now and although I am a SAHM we have full time help. I am still the one that is responsible for 75 percent of my childs care, but the 25 percent that I can get help with I welcome with open arms. I venture to guess most if not all of these SAHM on this blog have no idea the sacrifices and work that goes into my and my friends marriages and families. I travel on occasion to visit a friend of mine who stays at home with her two children in the burbs and whos husband works a normal job, and while she is quick to jab me over my “luxuries”, I notice her children spend a large amount of time plunked in front of a tv or placed in the same living room all winter with the same toys while she is busy cleaning, cooking or catching up on e-mails. It really seems more about the ego of the mother in a lot of these instances…Just because your doing it all doesn’t mean your doing it well.
March 30th, 2010 at 9:58 am
I herd from a Psychologist friend that it is very damaging for the child to have a nanny at home while mom is there, I have also been witness to this, being a nanny for a working at home mom. Does anyone else have any info on this?!
June 14th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
I don’t know Jennie, but don’t you think everyone here would feel different about this topic if said “nanny” were grandma or some other family member? It’s interesting to me that everyone here is proud of raising there kids without help, yet I can’t imagine any of them actually do, (if they do i wouldn’t consider that healthy). Wether your help is paid or not, help has been being used to raise ones children for as long as people have been having them. I can think of far more damaging things for a child.
June 25th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
I think as mothers we should do what’s best for our families. If you want to be a stay at home mom and do it all yourself then good for you! If you want to be a stay at home mom and have a full time nanny or 100 full time nannies then good for you!Why don’t we stop judging each others parenting choices and do what’s best for our own families. People that write negative comments about others choices must really need validation for there own choices. It’s pretty pathetic.
June 25th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Also someone commented that women who chose to be stay at home moms did so because they didn’t want to work anymore and then when the babies came they realized how much work it really is…. It must be great to know everything about women you’ve never met…. how ignorant you are.
August 31st, 2010 at 12:12 am
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a little extra help! My husband is in the military, and has been deployed for a year! Yes that means he was gone for the majority of my pregnancy, and he missed our son’s birth. I had to recover from childbirth with no help, and I also have 3 other children to care for. Talk about doing it all alone. I wouldn’t sleep for days, just take quick naps to get by. Some of these comments are so judgemental. Being a SAHM is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world!