Angela often posts about her Fearless Me Moments. Moments where she ignored the fear and did something scary. A fearless moment doesn’t need to be something life threatening like rock climbing, but instead can be something that makes your heart beat faster at just the thought of it. Something like ignoring your inner critic and submitting a query to a magazine. Angela has posted Fearless Me Moments weekly and even daily sometimes. Me? I’m way too much of a wimp to have a Fearless Me Moment that often. I’m on more of a fearless me yearly plan.

Last year I had a fearless moment at school. And this week I had a fearless moment in the parking lot at school. Basically school just scares the hell out of me apparently.

I returned to school last night for the first night back this term. I’m taking a programming class held in a computer room in the main library. The main library I had never stepped foot in to before last night, even though I’ve been a student there off and on for over fifteen years.

I have a particular parking lot I like to park in. And I’m not good with change. I once drove all the way back home (a forty minute drive) because the parking ramp I liked to park in was full. I know that seems crazy. Heck it is crazy. But that’s how my life with OCD goes. I have a particular routine and when things break from that routine I have severe anxiety.

The library is not really near my favorite parking area. I looked the library up on the campus map and found a big parking lot right next to the library. That seemed like the logical choice.

But as I was driving to school I was starting to panic. What if I can’t find the parking lot? (This big huge parking lot right next to the library. Yeah, it would be hard to miss. but in the middle of a anxiety attack logic is nowhere in sight.) What if I have to pay to park there? Did I bring money? What if I don’t have enough? (I had around $20 in my wallet and this is no NYC. I could park in a parkade for about two days on $20 bucks in our neck of the woods. But again…OCD does not equal logic.)

Of course, since I was panicking I got in the wrong lane and ended up on the other side of the river. Not like the “wrong side of the tracks,” just on the other side of the river from the library. And I couldn’t figure out how to get back. I started to give some serious thought to just parking in my normal lot and walking the four blocks to the library. In the sub-zero temps.

Eventually after like what felt like 2 hours (but was really about five minutes) I found a street I recognized and made my way to the parking lot. I was only a few minutes late for class, but I totally flustered by the time I got there.

So I got passed my fear. I didn’t give in and park in my usual spot. Instead I made my way to the library parking lot.

Baby steps people. Maybe my ‘crazy’ medicine really is working.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm and is filed under At least I still have my health?. Comments are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.