What Not to Say, the stepmom edition

We interrupt this week of totally freaking out to bring you an interesting article I just read. If you’re dying to hear about the level of my anxiety (currently around a code orange) you can read about it at Weary Parent.

So about that article…

I’ve been a stepmom for a long time. Almost fifteen years (including my time as a stepmom-in-training, a.k.a. the girlfriend). Unfortunately, in that time, I’ve said some things I wish I hadn’t. Being a stepmom — trying to bond with your stepchildren, fitting in alone time with your new husband and dealing with your husband’s ex — can be very difficult. There’s a bit of a learning curve. If only I had seen Rosemary Rogers’ article about Things a stepmother should never say fifteen years ago. Here is her list and my commentary:

1. “Go ahead, call me Mom!”
   Justis doesn’t call me mom. He calls me Christine. And I’m fine with that. I always left the decision up to him. He can call me whatever makes him feel most comfortable (I mean within reason of course). He already has a mom. I don’t need the title to know how important I am to him.
2. “Feel free! Do whatever you want.”
   Sometimes, especially in the beginning of the relationship, we try to do whatever we can to win the love our stepchild. You’ve heard of the Disneyland Dad, well sometimes stepmoms become the Disneyland Stepmom. We think if we let the kid do whatever he wants he’ll trust us more and like us more. If we’re his friend he’ll want to hang out with us. But in the end a child needs rules. And you aren’t going to win his love when he’s a rebellious teenager who constantly butts heads with authorities.
3. “I’ll get it,” “I’ll drive,” “I’ll wash it,” “Forget about me,” etc.
   Again don’t try to win your stepchild’s love by doing everything for them. You are trying to build a bond. You are trying to be a family. You running ragged is going to get you nothing but tired.
4. “Why the long face?”
   Especially in the beginning, kids will likely be sad. You being with their dad means there is less of a chance his parents will get back together. Even kids who listened to their parents fight non-stop still hold on to that slightest chance that his parents will finally love each other again. Kids are aloud to be sad sometimes. Offer a shoulder, but don’t try to pry. You are too new to them to be all up in their business just yet.
5. “Your dad and I always … “
   Don’t talk about you and his dad do when he’s not there. I’m not talking about the ‘naughty’ things you do. I’m talking about the every day things you do. By constantly bringing up all the times you and your husband go to the movies or go out to dinner or do things with your kids is just pointing out all the fun things you do without him. Try to be respectful of his feelings and make him feel like a part of the family.
6. “Did your mother bring you up to do that?”
   Don’t, and I mean DON’T talk about his mother. Speaking negatively about the woman who raises him and loves him and who he loves, is not going to win you any points. I don’t care if she’s bat shit crazy, do not talk about his mother in a poor light. When you say bad things about his mother, kids interpret that as saying bad things about them. They take it to heart and it hurts.
7. “Have you always done that?”
   As you blend your families you may come up with new rules and traditions, but you need to introduce those slowly. Kids don’t like change. Especially when they are going through a big life changing event like their parents divorce and their dad’s remarriage. Don’t criticize them for things they’ve likely done their whole lives. Instead work with your husband to come up with ground rules you both agree on and let you husband lay out the new rules for his son.
8. “Your room is a pigsty!”
   Pick your battles. Kids are messy. I’m not saying you should let him tear up his room and leave rotting food laying around, but give the kid a little slack. If the room gets way out of control it’s his dad’s job to get him to clean it. In the first few years you just don’t have the authority to discipline. The kid won’t want to hear it from you. You may even hear “YOU AREN’T MY MOM” so don’t put yourself in that position.
9. “Well, my kids and I … “
   Just like the “your dad and I always…” comment above, don’t talk about what you and your kids do. For one, he doesn’t care what you and you’re kids do. He has a mom who he does stuff with too. Two, you will just make him feel left out. That is not the way to help him feel comfortable in your home.
10. “What’s the matter, never heard of thank you?”
    Again, pick your battles. Kids rarely say thank you to their parents. They say thank you to their friend’s mom for making supper and inviting them over. Consider it kind of a compliment that he doesn’t always thank you. It likely means he feels comfortable with you and your role as a parental figure in his life.
11. “We’re not made of money, you know.”
    Do you talk money in front of your biological kids? When you go to the store it’s ok to say “that’s not on my list today” or “we’ll put it on your birthday list” but you shouldn’t say “I can’t afford that” or anything like that. Don’t let your kids worry about money. That’s for you and your spouse to worry about. And in many divorces money is a big issue. There tends to be a lot of fighting between parents about who will pay for what and so forth. Do not bring the child in to that conversation. He doesn’t need to be the referee in that fight. That’s between his mom and his dad.
12. “It’s them or me.”
    Being a stepmom can be very stressful. And honestly it never stops being stressful. But it does get better. It’s stressful to be a parent period. There’s the teenage attitude, the staying out past curfew, the fights on the school playground, the homework that doesn’t get done…you will run in to a lot of issues as you raise your children. And the added fighting with the ex or the frustration about all the money he pays in child support can add more stress to your marriage. But telling your husband “it’s them or me” it’s really an ultimatum to your husband. It’s easy. It’s them. Would you really want to be a with a guy who would abandon his children? Is that the kind of guy you want in your life? No. Instead work on your issues together. Seek a counselor if you need to. But that ultimatum never works so don’t even go there.

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