Do parents wear scarlet letters at work?
I’ve heard horror stories about professionals who get passed by for promotions because they have children. Or don’t get the big projects or best customers because it’s assumed they can’t put the hours like an employee without children. Or co-workers who scorn parents because they leave on time to get their children from daycare.
Have you ever felt penalized at work because you’re a parent?
More and more companies are touting how kid friendly they are. Companies have begun to offer more flexibility and benefits to compete. They’ve revamp leave policies. Some companies are allowing new moms to bring their babies to work for the first year. Many employees are telecommuting. But are parents still seen as lazy and not as capable?
I have been lucky enough to work for a company where I don’t feel a lot of backlash for my parent status. Probably three-fourths of my team members have children so we are all in the same boat. Of course there are still those that have snide comments when a parent sneaks out to have lunch with their child or leaves early for a soccer game, but those are few and far between. Most of us are very supportive of each other and our family/work balance.
Even our management is pretty supportive. I haven’t really had any difficulties leaving for school parties or taking days off for field trips. I have been promoted several times in the ten years I’ve been with the company, even though everybody is well aware that I have five kids.
A few years back we traveled to Chicago for an in-person team meeting. It was the first time we got to meet our other team members who are scattered around the country. One of my co-workers didn’t want to go. The trip was planned on short notice and was scheduled for the same time her son was in his elementary school music program. He had a big part and she wanted to be here for it. Our boss said, “just have somebody tape it for you” and kind of blew her off. That made my co-worker mad. She was upset she was going to miss his performance, but she was even angrier that our manager didn’t have any sympathy for her. Should she have sympathized with her? Should she have tried to work out a solution? Should she have allowed her to stay home for her son’s performance? Would she be seen as difficult if she refused to go…because she’s a parent?
You have to find the balance. When you are a working parent there are going to be times you will miss your kids’ activities. You’re a mom (or dad) but at work you are an employee first. Your employer is less worried about your son’s championship basketball game and more worried about keeping the business running. Don’t be fooled by their offer of flexible work schedules. Yes it’s nice, but if it didn’t help retain employees and increase productivity they wouldn’t do it.
- Work with your employer to find a solution. A few weeks ago I was getting ready to head out the door for Keaton’s last soccer game of the year. I had already told him I would be there and I planned on keeping my promise. Then I got a call from my boss. She wanted me to attend a conference call she couldn’t attend. I was stuck. In the end I agreed to take the call from my cell phone while I sat in my truck parked near the sidelines of Keaton’s game. Talk about multi-tasking. Granted I wasn’t giving either my undivided attention, but I made it work.
- Pick your battles. You can’t be in two places at once so decide when you can give in and when absolutely will not. You may need to miss a few of the regular season games, but aren’t willing to miss the state championships. Maybe you can send the cupcakes in your daughters backpack rather than attending the party yourself so you can meet that big client.
- Let your boss know as far in advance as you can. You may not know for sure that your son’s wrestling team will make it to state, but you know they are having a great season and it’s a good possibility. Let your boss know you may be off the week of whatever if your son makes it. Put the music concert in your calendar the second you hear about it so you can schedule your meetings around it.
Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we can’t also be good employees. In fact I like to think of us as excellent employees because we know how to multi-task. If they need somebody to manage a project where you’re at the client site, working with IT, talking to engineering and sending out daily status reports who better to ask then a woman who can change a diaper, talk on the phone, keep her eye on a three-year-old and cook a fully organic meal all at the same time. We may leave at 4:30 every day, but we’re back on our laptops at 10pm finishing up when we need to. We can get the work done just as well as our childless counterparts. We just juggle it differently.
Well said. You wrote much more eloquently than I did regarding my post yesterday. As someone who’s been both part-time, and now full-time, I firmly believe that I was a much more efficient worker when I was part-time. It’s all about the time management.
In the Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..Miscellani
Nice look at balance Christine! I agree that balance and compromise is what is important. I think it is important to balance work/personal lives (be they family-oriented or other personal pursuits).
I remember when you were young and get the measels. I was fresh out of college working at my first professional job; and your Dad was working at his full-time job. Neither of us could take a week off to be home with you while you were sick (and the school & daycare wouldn’t let you keep coming, for some reason :-)). So we worked out a compromise with each other and with our respective jobs. Your Dad worked the morning shift (6 am to 1 pm .. or something like that) and I took the afternoon shift (1:30 - 8pm). Both of our companies were fine (he worked for the State and I worked for a private company), and while it was hard (esp for your Dad getting up so early
) to adjust to the schedule, it worked well for our situation.
I think that everyone has to strike the balance that works best for them. Missing an important company meeting to make an important family event might hurt you career-wise (esp. in the short term), but it may be work the cost in the long run. Or attending the important company event may disappoint a child, but again, if you are up for an important promotion or raise, it may be worth the short-term disappointment with the child (or spouse) for the long term gain for the family.
Perhaps this is the next level of diversity that we need to learn - recognizing that everyone has “special” circumstances, indivdual needs. For some it is family responsibilites, for others it is school, or medical needs. And, then maybe we will focus more on whether our co-workers are competent in their jobs and getting their work done, rather than worrying that they are getting an extra 15 minutes away from work than we are.
Mom
It seems Women get penalized & Men get rewarded. The radio had this topic before & men were calling say they used pics of there nephews/nieces, etc. One guy even used a pic out of store bought frame to get perks.
Now for me, when I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter my boss got so mad. I was about to be promoted & she was mad that I would have to take a maternity leave. I missed out on 3 raises that I was supposed to get after several months & my hours got changed dramatically. I ended up quitting to be a stay at home mom. Looking back, I wish I would have fought it more.
Ginny’s last blog post..Field Day & Last Day of School ~ Hurray!