Archive for July, 2009

I went to BlogHer ‘09 and all I got was a whole lot of swag

Jul 31, 2009 A day in our life

Last week I drove to Chicago to attend my very first BlogHer conference. It was really bad timing. [The nerve of them not checking with me to make sure the dates worked with my schedule.] I was handing out business cards, but my blog was (still is) in no shape for new visitors. I have this generic blog template because I haven’t had time to redesign ever since I took down my old template after Google spit all over me with their lame “you might be sending out some adware so we’re blocking your ass” excuse. And I haven’t blogged in weeks because I’ve been too busy with school and family [but mostly school]. Plus finals were this week so I really should have spent the weekend at home, studying for hours on end. But I was tired of just reading about the BlogHer conference. I wanted to experience it for myself.

I’ve wanted to go for several years but always let my fear stop me. I’m an extremely shy person. On my report card in the third grade my teacher wrote, “Christine’s like E.F. Hutton. When she talks everybody listens because it’s so rare.” I once peed my pants. At school. Because I was too shy to interrupt the teacher to ask if I could use the restroom. I was in the FOURTH GRADE. Recently I seriously considered driving off the side of the road to crash my truck…just so I could get out of giving a speech at school. When I say I’m shy I mean it.

I think a lot of writers are shy. We’re much better on paper than we are face-to-face. I can write a scathing complaint letter that can make CEOs email me back personally. But face-to-face I turn in to a bubbling idiot. Most of my arguments end with me straining my brain for some witty comeback only to respond with, “well, um, fuck you.” Yeah, I’m not really winning any debates with that well thought out argument.

Small talk for me goes something like this:
Them: I really like you’re hair.
Me: *nervously running my fingers through my hair* Thanks. I didn’t get a chance to wash it today.
Them: *gives me a funny look* Um, ok. Well it was nice talking to you. *walks runs in the other direction*

I wish I was making this up. But that’s a transcript of a real conversation I’ve had. It’s embarrassing being with myself in public.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m socially awkward. Very, very awkward. Once I get past, “Hi whats your name? What’s your blog? And where are you from?” I just stand there creepingly staring at you like a stalker. I know I should either come up with some other conversation starter (for example, “what do you think of this weather?”) or simple excuse myself and walk away. But if I walk away I have to have this awkward conversation with somebody else. And it’s really just easier to scare one person a night rather than alienating every party guest in the first hour.

But I had high hopes for BlogHer. I’m medicated and it’s been helping with my anxiety. I’ve even given speeches at school without thoughts of suicide. It’s a step up.

On the four hour drive to Chicago I was transcribing my BlogHer post in my head. (Does anybody else do that? Start thinking about the post you’ll write after something happens? Even though it hasn’t happened yet? Um, yeah. Me either.) So I was envisioning a post about all the people I met. I was going to tell you all about how I overcame my fear and walked right up to bloggers, introduced myself, and we became instant BFFs. I could go ahead and write that post. But it would be pure fiction.

The fact of the matter is I got to BlogHer completely terrified. And I left BlogHer completely terrified. But I had a great time in between bits of fear. And I didn’t pee my pants. So that means it was a complete success.

I really enjoyed quite a few of the sessions. Obviously some of them were better than others. But I found some to be very informative. The Op-Ed sessions in the leadership track were awesome. And others kept me in stitches. Some of you bloggers are fucking hilarious; Neil and Stefanie.

The closing keynote on Thursday night had me in tears from laughter and tears of sorrow. Wow! There are some phenomenal writers out there.

At one point I even gushed. And I am so not a gusher. But I was sitting in a break-out session when somebody sitting right behind me stood up and spoke. It was Jen Lancaster. When the session was over I turned around and blurted, “Hi Jen. I’m a huge fan. I’ve read every one of your books. You’re so funny you make me cry.” At least I stopped there and didn’t say, “Will you be my best friend?” Or even worse, “Will you marry me?”

I also got to meet a whole lot of great bloggers. On the first night I made my way to the People’s Party. I walked around aimlessly searching for somebody I might know. [You all need to post more pictures of yourselves on your blog so I can spot you at parties.] I did find Karen from Chookooloonks. She is quite possibly the most beautiful and sweetest women I have ever met. Love her! I also met Bossy! She is so tall. But aside from that she is also very nice; taking a few minutes to chat with me even though I was giving her that stalkerish stare of mine. And she even dared to wave and say hi when she saw me at the conference throughout the next few days. After a while I found Matthew from Child’s Play x2; a fellow twin parent who’s been a blog buddy for quite some time. Being one of the few guys in a sea of 1300 women, he was easier to find. And he willing introduced me to a few other great people throughout the night. Bonus.

Later that night we made our way down to the Room 704 party where I met a bunch of other really super ladies who I totally have blog crushes on; Mrs. Flinger, Lotus of Sarcastic Mom, Annisa from Hope4Peyton (who totally scored me a swag bag…Thanks Annisa!), Grace Davis, and Y from Joy Unexpected (who totally gave me a big bear hug…SQUEEE!). (When did I turn in to such a valley girl? Could I use the word totally a few more times?)

At one point I ran in to Lindsay from Suburban Oblivion. She was such a sweetheart. When she found out it was my first BlogHer she asked me who I wanted to meet. Frozen in fear I couldn’t think of anybody (see paragraphs above). But she told me “just let me know who you want to meet and I’ll introduce you. Seriously. Come find me.” I think I love her.

As the people packed in to the party I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed so I took a little breather on some huge planter in the middle of the room. I sat down right next to Leslie from My Mommy’s Place. I think she was a little overwhelmed too so we shared some common ground. And then Kat from Education.com joined me and it was great to have another friendly face to talk to.

At lunch on the last day I found a table with a couple of people so I sat down. I introduced myself, but didn’t say my blog name or ask theirs. I was just digging in to my food. For about half an hour I was sitting right next Liz from This Full House and I didn’t even know it. I wish I would have realized who she was sooner so we could of had more time to chat. I also flagged down and had lunch with another twin mom, Goon Squad Sarah. I had been looking for her all weekend.

After Saturday’s keynote we all headed to the final cocktail party. After three days surrounded by 1400 people I was feeling a little claustrophobic and terrified, but Good Squad Sarah introduced me to a bunch of really great people. I met JavaJenn, Busy Mom, Laurie Writes, and Devra from Parentopia.

As the cocktail party was ending I ran in to Amy from Amalah. We started talking about pregnancy and vasectomies. I shared the story about Lee’s vasectomy when he swelled up because he thought the doctor told him NOT to take Tylenol when he really said he COULD take Tylenol. Cause (1) Lee loves it when I share his vasectomy story with strangers and (2) who doesn’t want to hear all about my husband’s vasectomy. I know. Win/win, right?

I can’t wait to find Amy at BlogHer ‘10 to tell her about the time Lee took his sample in the Urologist to have it tested. I’m sure she’s just waiting on pins and needles.

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Stranded at Subway

Jul 6, 2009 A day in our life

My friend Carolyn may never go to lunch with me ever again. Bad things happen when we go to lunch.

Several years ago we were on our way back to work after running some errands and grabbing some lunch. About 3 miles from work my van died. Just stopped running mid-drive. I was able to pull off the main road and coast to a stop in front of somebody’s house. Then I do what I do every time I have car trouble…I called Lee. We ended having the car towed to a mechanic who had to replace my transmission.

About a year ago Carolyn and I were driving on the interstate. Out of nowhere a big white bucket came skipping across the road. I slammed on my brakes, fishtailing, and narrowly escaping getting hit from behind. And I still hit the bucket. We escaped an accident, but my front end seemed to shake a little bit. A few weeks later Lee discovered my 4WD didn’t work. The bucket had broken my front differential and torsion bar (you know I just asked Lee “what did that bucket break on my truck?” because I have no flipping clue what a front differential and torsion bar…although I have a feeling the front differential is in the front).

And today we ran out to Subway to get some lunch…and the truck wouldn’t start. In the bad part of town.

Yeah, I think Carolyn’s done with me. Or at least she’ll probably drive from now on.

My truck has been having this problem where it doesn’t always want to start. For the last couple of days Lee has occasionally had to beat the gas tank (or something) with a baseball bat to get it started. It’s never not started for me though. I figured it was just something Lee was doing wrong.

But today Carolyn and I came out of Subway, mouths watering in anticipation of our yummy sandwiches, and the truck wouldn’t start. I had the bat in the backseat, but (1) I am not getting out of my truck in the bad part of town with a baseball bat. That’s just asking for trouble. (2) I have no idea what I’m really supposed to be hitting with this bat. With my luck I’d hit the wrong thing and end up blowing up the whole truck. And (3) you know I’m not getting on the dirty ground to crawl under some filthy truck.

So I did what I do best. I called Lee. But he didn’t answer. I called the home phone. No answer. I called Lee’s cell again. Nothing. I was starting to panic. So I called Keaton.

“Where’s Dad?” I demanded.

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“Well go find him. It’s an emergency.”

About 15 minutes later Lee pulled up in the van. He crawled under the truck, smacked it with the baseball bat, and we were up and running again.

But clearly there was something wrong with it. It’s fine when it won’t start when Lee’s driving it, but we just can’t have that when I’m driving it. So we switched cars.

A couple of blocks later I realized I left my backpack in the backseat of the truck. Lee was right behind me. So at the red light I leaped out of the van, ran to the truck, grabbed my bag, and ran back to the van. The old guy in the van next to me shook his head at me. I flashed him my best toothy smile.

Turns out my fuel pump is bad. I guess we know what Lee will be doing tomorrow.

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Celebrating the 4th with family

Jul 5, 2009 In the holiday spirit

Whenever anybody asks me what my favorite holiday is I usually answer “Christmas.” It just seems like the obvious answer. I mean you get presents and all. Who doesn’t love getting stuff?

But this weekend I realized Christmas is so not my favorite holiday. It’s nice and all, but it’s a little stressful. I have to find the time to get all of our Christmas traditions done; picking out the perfect tree, putting it up, and getting it decorated, making cookies, going to Jesus’ birthday party, making soup for Christmas Eve dinner at my grandma’s house and so on. Plus I have to come up with the money to buy all these gifts for everybody. The December budget always skyrockets off the charts. And then there’s the big crash on the 26th. All that build-up for an hour of ripping through wrapping paper and 24 hours of playing with their new toys before the kids are already bored with them.

Nope, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. The 4th of July is my favorite holiday.

My cousin was born on the 4th of July. For many years he thought the fireworks were just for him; just for his birthday. He turned 20 this year so he’s fully aware that it’s actually a national holiday in addition to his birthday, but it’s still fun to get together with family to celebrate both.

Several years ago my grandmother passed away on July 3rd. She died of lung cancer. Before her death she picked out a spot at a nearby park. A spot right on the water. And she asked us to plant a tree in her honor. Every year on July 3rd, the whole family comes back to town for a family picnic. At grandma’s tree. Overlooking the water. Other than me and my grandpa, my dad’s side of the family has all moved out of state. But Grandma brings us back together once a year to celebrate her life.

Fireworks

For more than 20 years our city has held an annual race on the 4th of July. There is an 8K, a 5K, and a kid’s fun run. This year the 9- to 14-year-olds ran a mile, the 6- to 8-year-olds ran a half mile, and the under 6 kids ran a quarter mile. The kids really love this race. Even if it is pretty early in the morning. And even with the rain this year.

Kid's run

And, of course, the 4th of July wouldn’t be complete without ending the night with fireworks. I really enjoyed the show this year. They had fireworks that looked like hearts, stars, four-leaf clovers, and spirals. Plus the usual brightly light and super loud fireworks. It was wonderful.

Fireworks

It was an awesome weekend filled with non-stop family time. We ate so much good food at family breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. We had lots of great conversation. And tons of laughs. That’s why the 4th of July is my favorite holiday.

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That depends on your definition of dependent

Jul 2, 2009 In my humble opinion, Love & Marriage, Stay-at-home Dads

Remember Leme? The person who commented on my Dads are good parents too post? In that post I quoted some morons who left ridiculous comments on a MomLogic post about stay-at-home dads. I was commenting on how it ticks me off when people call stay-at-home dads “unnatural” or “pussies” because dads can be just as good of parents as moms. In fact I really like the trend in recent years where dads are becoming active participants in their children’s lives.

Leme wanted to know why it made me mad when people criticize stay-at-home dads when we’ve been criticizing stay-at-home moms for the last 40 years. I think I answered that question in my follow-up post; The mommy and daddy wars. But apparently Leme disagrees. So here are a few more words on feminism and staying home…for Leme.

Leme – Your question was not a simple question. Your question is a question that continues to fuel the mommy (and now daddy) wars. Your question is naive and irresponsible. Did you even read my response to your comment? Or do YOU not understand?

Why is it wrong to tell men they should have a career and be independent when that is the same thing we have been telling women for the last 40 years? It’s wrong because when something is wrong you should try to fix it. Not just say “well it’s always been that way so why change it now.”

100 years ago women could not vote. Only poor unmarried women worked outside the home; and then it was in jobs that were considered “women’s work” – jobs as domestics, teachers, or nurses. Women couldn’t be doctors or lawyers or fight for their country in the military. They didn’t have the educational opportunities that men had. After all you didn’t need an education to be a wife and mother. They couldn’t hold public office or even have an opinion on politics. Really they couldn’t even have their own thoughts. They were the property of their husband.

For centuries girls were told to devote their lives to finding a husband and having children. They were brought up to believe their whole self-worth was wrapped up in their marriage and children. That was what was expected of them. They didn’t get a say. That’s just how it was. And some women were perfectly happy with that. But some women weren’t. However they didn’t know there were others out there that were just as unhappy. They didn’t have a voice.

And then some brave women stood up and demanded they be heard. They demanded they have a right to make decisions that effected them and their lives. And then in 1920 women won the right to vote.

But women weren’t willing to stop there. They continued to fight for their rights. To be equals to men. To have their own opinions and the same opportunities as men. To be whatever they wanted to be.

And as women, whether we stay home or work, we should be grateful that somebody stood up for us. Were all of their ideas good ideas? No, but at least they were willing to fight for what they believed in, get a dialog started, and create change. If we’re dissatisfied with our lives we need learn from these early feminists and fight for our right to be heard.

“Why was it [Friedan's] “business” to comment on what other people did?” Because Friedan didn’t call women names for being stay-at-home moms. Instead she did her research. She surveyed the women at her high school reunion. She spent five years talking to moms to find out what they were feeling. And she spoke as somebody who had been there; somebody who gave up her career to stay home with her children. Most of the people who criticize stay-at-home dads have never been a stay-at-home dad; many aren’t even dads. At least Betty Friedan could speak from experience…rather than ignorance.

“I said “we” meaning the society as a whole…” I absolutely disagree. I do not believe that society as a whole has been advising women to continue with their careers rather than be a stay-at-home mom. Of course there have been some vocal opponents of stay-at-home moms, there have also been many opponents of working moms. But “as a whole” I think many people believe it’s perfectly fine for women to put their careers on hold or even abandon a career completely and take on a new career as a full-time mom. Laura Schlessinger is a big proponent of stay-at-home moms. She even goes so far as to say that all moms should stay home with their children for at least the first five years. This is the exact opposite of what you think “we” as a whole are saying. When Linda Hirshman, and more recently, Gretchen Ritter came out against stay-at-home moms saying it’s “dangerous” for women to stay home and that women should have a career, they received a ton of backlash for their comments. I would say “we” are somewhere in the middle. “We” think women should do whatever they think is right for them and their family; be it working outside the home or being a stay-at-home mom…as long as the decision is hers.

Additionally, as I stated in my rebuttal, more and more women are staying home with their children in recent years. Due in part to the feminist movement, many women sought out careers rather than staying home in the 1980s and early 1990s, but that number has been steadily declining since 1990. Woman have decided they don’t need to listen to society to tell them what do to do. They’ve decided the best person to make decision about their life is them. So some women are continuing in the workforce. And others are deciding to stay home. They’re doing what’s best for them.

Then why is it wrong to be equally concerned about the loneliness and isolation of stay at home dads. It’s perfectly fine to be concerned about a dad’s loneliness and isolation. In fact that’s why we talk about it. To educate people that there are stay-at-home dads out there who are perfectly capable of hosting a playdate or mingling with the moms at PTO meetings. And dad’s should understand that staying home may have some disadvantages. It can be lonely. So dads (and moms) need to find support systems. They need to find activities and hobbies for themselves and their children.

I think this was Betty Friedan’s point with her book. I think Betty Friedan was letting women know they weren’t alone. There were other women out there that were feeling just as lonely and unsatisfied with their lives as they were. We find comfort in numbers. Not every women was dissatisfied, but some were and they thought they were alone because everybody else seemed to have the perfect families and the perfect lives. But in reality, staying home isn’t for every women (or man) or every family.

Yes, I did say I encourage my children to get an education and not be dependent on somebody else. But I also continued with “Then when they are older and fall in love they can make the decision that is best for their family. They can work with their partner to determine the dynamics of their marriage. They won’t have to be told by their partner what will happen in their family. They will be an active and informed contributor to their relationship.” If any of my children (either my daughter or my sons) decide to be a stay-at-home parent I think that would be wonderful. As long as it’s his/her decision and not solely his/her partners decision. I think it’s important for all children (regardless of race) to explore and find what interests them and makes them happy. Not just settle for what their spouse or society chooses for them.

You said, “You responded to a question about being a stay at home parent with strong statements negatively equating staying at home with being dependent.” As I stated, being dependent on somebody isn’t about money. We are all dependent on others for some reason or another; I’m dependent on my husband for companionship, on my children for help around the house, on my boss to provide me with a paycheck. However, when I say I don’t want my children to be dependent on somebody else I’m referring to their livelihood. I’m referring to their happiness. I’m referring to their decisions. I don’t want them to be dependent on somebody else to make all the decisions for them and they just be submissive. I expect my children to stand up for themselves and have their own voice.

And for the record, my husband is very independent. He has many friends he’s known his whole life and continues to hang out with to this day. He is an avid football fan who runs a fantasy league every winter. He loves to play softball and plays in a couple of different leagues, several nights a week from April through September. He does bring in a little bit of income doing side jobs, helping people with their computer problems. And he used this opportunity as a stay-at-home dad to go back to college and get his degree. So while my paycheck may be what pays our mortgage, my husband is very much an independent man who makes his own decisions.

You seem to be stuck on this idea that getting an education is the opposite of being a stay-at-home mom. Therefore, when we encourage our children to get an education rather than devote their young adulthood to finding a suitable husband that means we are discouraging them from being a mom. That’s so not the case. It’s not black and white. In reality we are encouraging our children to explore the world, to learn new things, and to find themselves. Then they can decide what they like best. Some women love being stay-at-home moms. Some aren’t cut out for it. But both can be equally capable and loving moms and wives.

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