Praise is bad. Lying is normal. And arguing is respectful.
Remember waaaayy back in 2007 when I blogged about a Po Bronson article on the importance of sleep for children? Well Po (and his co-author Ashley Merryman) have a new book coming out; NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. Yesterday Po was on NPR’s All Things Considered in the segment Parenting Tips: Praise Can Be Bad; Lying is Normal talking about the book.
In the book (and the NPR segment) Po said all this praise we’re giving our kids isn’t doing them any good. Telling Jimmy he’s doing a great job even though he just scored the game winning soccer point….for the opposing team by kicking the ball in the wrong goal…isn’t helping our kids grow up to be hard working adults. In fact it’s doing more harm then good.
Po says “only kids under the age of 7 take praise at face value.” As they get older they just expect praise for everything from outstanding achievements to mediocre work. And we wonder why teens today seem to have this inflated sense of entitlement (even greater than our own at that age).
We need to let kids develop their own judgment about what deserves praise and what doesn’t. We need to let them learn the difference between success and failure. And we need to let them learn from their own failures every now and then. With all this praise, failure has become an almost taboo topic. Failing is a part of life, but many of our kids feel like failing is not an option.
When it comes to education kids have become obsessed with the image of looking smart and therefore they don’t take as many academic risks. If they know they can ace the easy math, and look smart doing it, they don’t want to take a risk with algebra. They don’t want to challenge themselves and risk having to struggle through a more difficult course.
Keaton has always been a very smart kid. He greatly exceeds the average test scores in all standardized test (usually in the 90th to 100th percentile). He’s been reading at a college level since elementary school. He’s been in the advanced math classes since the 5th grade. But now in high school I see him shying away from some of the tougher courses because “they’re hard.” He struggled a little in his math class last year and (according to him) it was his teacher’s fault; the teacher just didn’t teach it very well. I asked, “Did you go in before school and ask for help?” “No.” He was just struggling because nothing was ever hard before. Now he had to actually work at something and it was very frustrating to him.
Po also touched on kids and lying. He said all kids lie. And it usually happens by the time they are just 4-year-olds. But Po also says lying is a sign of intelligence. It also shows some creativity. It takes a lot for a kid to remember both the truth and the alternative lie. So lying isn’t all bad.
But…
We need to condition it out of kids by the time they are around 7-years-old. Don’t let it become a pattern or a way for kids to deal with their problems. However, studies have shown that increasing threats of punishment make kids better liars who lie more often. Kids lie to make us happy. They don’t want to get in trouble. They don’t want to upset us. So they tell us what they think we want to hear. Instead we need to signal to them what really makes us happy. Po stops his kids the moment he thinks they may be lying and says, “You make me really happy if you tell me the truth.”
But it’s not just little kids that lie. Adolescents lie too. (Don’t I know that!) In the book Po and Ashley say out of 36 potential topics the average teen lies on 12 of them. Teens lie about things like what they spent their allowance on. What clothes they changed in to after they left the house. What movie they actually saw at the movie theater. It’s just easier if mom doesn’t know you snuck in to that R rated movie when she thought you were going to the PG-13 movie. Then there’s no argument. And she probably will never know anyway.
According to Po, 78% of parents think their teens tell them everything. (Really?!? 78%? Who are these parents?) But most teens disagree. (You think?) Even the teens who lie the least lie on about 5 of those 36 topics. Even the “good” kids lie sometimes.
Po says the best way to curb teen lying is to “set a few rules, consistently enforce them and negotiate occasionally.” Yes, sometimes you need to negotiate with your teen. Make them feel part of the decision-making process. In fact Po goes so far as to say that arguing is a sign of respect. A sign of respect? Well a teen has two options. Tell the truth even though it may lead to an argument or outright lie. The outright lie is probably the easiest option, but telling the truth can be the riskier option and usually the more mature option.
So head over to the NPR website and listen to the segment. Then let’s discuss. What do you think? Is too much praise bad? Is arguing a sign of respect?
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Mr. Custody Coach Said,
August 28, 2009 @ 9:54 pm
I think that the “praise is bad” point is a good one when explained sufficiently. I’m not entirely sure when the transition happened, but we suddenly became a society where “self-esteem” became something that was all-important, particularly with children.
So, we shower them to death with praise and, as Po indicates, they never really come to understand what is truly deserving of praise and what is just a normal expectation (at any age).
It’s resulted in trophies for all… not keeping score in little league… and suddenly society has lost touch with the fact that DISAPPOINTMENT IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN!!!
They’re becoming entirely too entitled… they revel in mediocrity… expectations (of them) have become an imposition… and we’re slowly losing touch with what it means to work hard and to overcome adversity.
Lying as a sign of respect? I don’t think so. I agree that it shows creativity, even “intelligence.” I agree that children lie to us as much to make us happy as to cover their asses… but as a sign of respect? Not quite.
Lee Said,
August 28, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
Ya think?? Ive been saying for a long time that these everybody plays, the score doesnt matter, everybody gets a medal or trophy activities are absolutely obsurd.
Children need to know there is a winner and a loser if nobody ever loses youll never see kids striving to do better. Everybody plays??? Hey little buddy wheres your inhaler and have you ever heard of Chess Club, or Drama Club cause this aint for you!
Everybody gets a trophy???? Your team scored 1 run in 15 games heres your trophy. To this I say in the words of Bill Engvall Okay society “HERES YOUR SIGN”
Marcy Said,
August 28, 2009 @ 11:31 pm
First I must ask, Please bear with me I’m still a little foggy from anesthesia today…
I heard this segment on NPR as well. I was terribly intrigued by his methods. Though I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I do agree with about 90% of what he’s saying, especially about praise. I guess I need to get his book to understand more because I don’t exactly know how I would NOT praise my 4 year old for some of the little accomplishments. I mean, if he were to kick the ball into the other goal, we’d probably say something like “great job making the goal buddy! But next time, try to make it into your teams goal” Is that bad? I dunno. I also think it would be terribly difficult to follow these methods when kids all around him are being praised for every little thing. How do you find a happy medium without making your kid feel like you’re criticizing their every move? I think if not done properly, this could go terribly wrong and end up with a child feeling like they are expected to be perfect and falling short (because none of us are perfect).
So where’s that manual for parenting again?
Momilies Said,
August 29, 2009 @ 5:45 am
I am the parent of two teens and a 7 year old. One of my teens is a consummate liar. He is 19 now and learning on his own about how lying isn’t always the best way to get to the goal. The other teen, a girl, 16, does not lie. She can’t. She tries, but she just can’t. She withholds, sometimes, but only for a day or two, then she ends up telling me anyway. She’s a smart cookie and also a very good child, so “getting in trouble” is sort of foreign to her. I look at her with great wonder every day because I don’t know how she got to be this way. I didn’t raise her any differently than I did her brother.
The seven year old is…my conundrum. She lies to her father, who takes everything she says as gospel (she’s his only child). Me, I look at her with total skepticism every time she opens her mouth. Even at this early age, she’s figured out to try to make up a good story for why something happened or what she did to make it happen. She is extremely bright, and being an “older” parent at this point (I’m 48), it’s a lot harder to deal with. I’m constantly watching, it can be exhausting!
Christine's Mom Said,
August 30, 2009 @ 4:39 pm
I agree that overly praising someone is bad, but I also think that it is important to praise when there are good things to praise about. And, to “coach” when there are things not to praise about.
Though, I tdo hink that it is okay to give out “participation” knick knacks, but they should clearly designated as being for participating, not for winning. Kinda like in a race – you get a t-shirt for signing up and participating. But, only the winners get an award and/or a cash prize. To award a prize for winning helps encourage kids to strive to be better.
Of course, even that can go over board if parent’s “help” their kids win unfairly – then they learn that winning at all costs is more important than playing by the rules. That can be even more dangerous than too much praise!
I think thru correct use of praise and thru experimentation kids can learn what they are good at or passionate about. And, winning at Chess club, if that his your game, should be just as important to the parents as winning at Football (right Lee
). Not all kids excel at the same thing, nor should they be encouraged to. They should be encouraged and helped in those things that fit their skills and inclinations.
I find the comments on lying to be interesting. I think that at some point all kids lie – sometimes its even to themselves. And, even as adults we often lie – by ommission if not actively. Or little white lies (“yes Dear, that shirt looks lovely on you”). But, encouraging the truth even when it is tough is important. And, I agree that arguing is important.
Learning to argue effectively and fairly is important to adulthood. I struggle at work sometimes because too many times people go along with the group, even if they believe a decision is wrong. They’ve learned that arguing is bad. But, often, problems are best solved by having honest disagreements and reasonable arguments. It helps everyone learn and grow.
Just my 2 cents
Mystified Mom Said,
August 31, 2009 @ 12:27 am
I read the segment on the parenting tips. I completely agree that praise is over used. We do not usually use praise in our house, at least not in the general. If something is wrong, we are pretty matter of fact about. All of my kids are under 8 and I just don’t feel the need for endless praise. How would you feel if your spouse said, “Wow, good job going to work today!” Likewise, with kids, if my kid picks up after herself, I thank her and show appreciation without resorting to praise. Instead of praise, use specifics. If you want more information about rewards, check out some of the works by Alfie Kohn. He has a book called “Punished by Rewards” that delves into the topic of the overuse of rewards.
One of the things that strikes me when I read stuff about kids is that people seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a kid. Seriously, did you not ever lie as a child? I can say that I lied on occasion but it was usually for self preservation. Even as adults we lie. How many of us have called in sick and used a sick day even though we weren’t technically sick? Do kids have a different nature than adults adults do? If we set kids up to lie, then it becomes a habit. How many times have you asked your kid if they did something knowing full well that they did it because you saw them do it? What is the point of asking? You are just giving them an opportunity to lie. It is so much easier to ask why they did it. Better yet, just acknowledge the situation and move on depending on what it is. If they colored on the wall, you skip the step of asking them if they did it. And, you skip the step of asking them why. It’s pretty obvious that they just couldn’t resist because they lack impulse control. Move straight to having them clean it up.
As a kid, there were times that I was afraid to tell the truth to my mom because I knew she would freak out. Sometimes she would freak no matter what so we would do whatever we could to keep mom from freaking out. My dad on the other hand was pretty matter of fact. I messed up on several occasions and when my dad asked me about it, I told him the truth. We talked about it and he would tell me how disappointed he was in me but that was it. With my dad, if nobody fessed up, he would freak out. His actions showed that he valued the truth even if it was something that he didn’t necessarily want to hear.
Lee Said,
August 31, 2009 @ 9:25 pm
I do not think I came across as condescending when suggesting Chess Club, or Drama Club I love to go to the school to see the kids in these shows just ask Elfis “Keaton” I thought it was awsome, and I am very good or used tobe very good at Chess Just didnt fit my schedule in school as I was a Wrestler and Football player.