Sorry Grandpa

Remember how my grandpa was all “you’re never going to get a job with that thing” about my eyebrow piercing? Well now that I have my degree I’ve been giving some serious thought to floating my resume around for a marketing job.

Right now I’m just in the thinking stage. Looking for a new job is a whole process.

First there’s the thinking stage that last several months where you think “I really should update my resume and give the job sites a little looksy, but there’s so much good TV on tonight. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Then there’s the whole resume stage. This is where you spend countless hours updating your resume, moving things around, trying to decide which resume template to use and then finally declaring the resume done.

This is followed by the search the classifieds stage, not to be confused with the actual applying for jobs stage. In the checking classifieds stage you circle ads in the paper and print job descriptions you found on the internet. Then you let them sit on your desk for several days because you’re way too busy to actually apply. Then you realize you’ve waited to long and they are probably already filled by now so you just throw the paper away.

Finally you get off your lazy ass and go in to the applying for jobs stage. This is where [you guessed it] you apply for actual jobs. This can be a long and exhausting process. All the reading, emailing, envelope licking and sealing, the paper cuts and the long search for a stamp with just the right postage since postage rates increase every other day. I’m getting sleepy just thinking about this stage.

If done successfully, the applying for jobs stage tends to lead to the interview stage where you have to actually get out of your PJs, get your exhausted butt in to the shower, put on your Sunday best, and meet your potential future employer.

It’s this last stage that has my grandpa concerned. He thinks my future employer will take one look at my eyebrow piercing and send my high heels walking.

So to appease grandpa I decide I might consider taking out my piercing for interviews. I decided I should get some practice in so I took out my piercing last night. Just to see how difficult it might be to put it back in. I mean I still have months and months until I actually make it to the interview stage, but a girl can never be too prepared.

So around 1am I took out my piercing. That was easy enough. Just had to twist off the top ball and pull it out. “This is easy peasy,” I thought.

Then I went to put it back in.

Putting it in the bottom hole was easy. Getting it to come out the top hole? Not so much. By the time I FINALLY got the top post through the top hole I had blood dripping down the side of my head.

I was really starting to reconsider my decision to take out the piercing. But it was too late now.

So there I was, blood pooling in to my eye, post sticking out of my head, and itty, bitty, teeny, tiny, minuscule ball to twist back on.

In a moment of good judgment (for a change) I sealed up the drain in the sink. I picked up the ball and tried to put it on the end of the post. Do you have any idea how hard it is to see a ball the size of a flea when your fingers are the size of a large carrot and your man hands are covering your eye? Well it’s difficult.

I think I dropped that atom sized ball at least 100 times. Picture me leaping all over the bathroom chasing after a bouncy ball made for the Who’s who live in Whoville. It was quite a sight. At one point I realized I better put the lid down on the toilet and cover the shower drain too. Yep, it was that crazy in my bathroom around 1:30 this morning.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER (I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m so not) I was on the verge of tears, praying to God for some mercy. Please God just put this tiny ball back on my eyebrow piercing post. To which God was all “Are you for realz? There are people starving to death and you want my help with you’re eyebrow piercing?”

I was really starting to think I would have to go back to the tattoo parlor today to have them put my piercing back in. How lame would I be if I had to go to the tattoo shop every time I wanted to change out my piercing? Could I get them to wipe my butt to? Jeez.

But finally, AN HOUR after I took out my piercing, I got it back in place. The blood had dried up. My fingers hurt. I think my thumb was starting to cramp. But that stupid ball was screwed back on to the post.

So the lesson here is…I am so not going to listen to grandpa. Employers will have to love me with piercing and all or nothing at all.

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