It’s been an emotionally exhausting couple of days for me. I thought I had left broken hearts behind with high school, but it turns out your own kids can break your heart worse than any stupid teenage crush.

Last summer, just a week before Justis was supposed to come home from summer visitation with his mom, she called us to let us know that Justis would be staying with her going forward. No discussion about it. Just “he wants to live here now so that’s how it’s going to be.” We were, of course, pretty upset by this. We felt it was in his best interest to stay with us for many reasons. Plus we were pissed that we just being told, not given the chance to discuss it.

Supposedly the two of them had been talking about it since before the school year even ended. But nobody had the balls to discuss it with Lee until the end of summer. We suspected that Justis wanted to move because we had come down pretty hard on him about his school work at the end of his sophomore year. We had even gone to school with him a couple of times and caught him in lies about his schoolwork. He was embarrassed and angry by this. We firmly believed that allowing him to move in with his mother would be teaching him to run away from his problems and not be responsible for himself or accountable for his actions. So Lee said “absolutely not” and, after we got our lawyer involved, Justis’ mother didn’t pursue it any further.

But she never gave up on the idea. A couple times this year she told Lee she really wanted Justis to move back with her next year (for his senior year of high school). Before Justis went to visit his mom for Christmas Lee talked to him about moving. He told him if he really wanted to move, really thought through the options, the pros and cons, and decided he wanted to move, we wouldn’t stop him this year. But it had to be something we all discussed together before he left for summer visitation. Justis agreed that it wasn’t handled very well last year and he would think about it.

A little over a month ago my grandmother asked Justis what he was doing next year. He said he was planning on staying here. I said, “Really? I’m glad to hear that.” He said, “Yeah, I just decided it makes more sense to finish school here.” So I thought it was settled and we didn’t need to worry about it anymore.

Then last Wednesday night we got in to an argument. Lee and Justis had already gotten in to it about the car. Lee felt like Justis wasn’t taking very good care of it. And then I discovered that Justis had skipped class a couple of times. After really stepping it up and doing awesome the first part of this semester, Justis really started to slip about 6 weeks ago and his grades are suffering. In fact he will definitely fail at least two classes this semester. He got mad that we were on his back about it and stormed out of the house telling us he wasn’t coming back. Nothing serious. Just your typical argument with a teenager. Or so we thought.

While he was gone he called his mother for support. She convinced him to come back home for now and told him he would just move in with her this summer.

The next day she called Lee and told him we are too hard on Justis. He’s like her and will just run away if we hound him too much. Then she said she’s trying to convince him to go in to the military after high school because she thinks that will help him. (You know, ’cause they aren’t hard at you in the military at all.) And she wants him to move in with her this summer. Lee said that’s up to Justis.

When Justis got home from school we had a sit down with him to talk about the events of the night before.

I said, “What are our expectations for you?”

He replied, “Do my best in school. Get my chores done. And stay out of trouble.”

“Are you doing those things?” I asked.

“No.”

He acknowledged his role in this. We talked about what we could do better. And everything seemed good. He told us he wanted to stay here. He had already talked to his school counselor about what he needed to do to still graduate next year. A morning P.E. class. And an extra history class independent study. Back on track.

But then he called his mother. And he changed his mind. “She really wants me to move back in with her.” I asked him why he was changing his mind. He said, “Because I get along with her better. She and I can talk about anything. She raised me for 12 years so I know her better.” (Which is something that came right from her mouth because she said that exact same thing to me a while back when I was talking to her — although to be technical it was only 11 years.)

As disappointed as we are and as bad a decision as we think it is, we aren’t going to fight them on it this year. He’s 17-years-old. It’s time for him to make his own decisions. And suffer the consequences of those decisions, should there be any. It’s time to let him go.

But it’s hard. I’m sad.

I’m sad he’s leaving. We’ll miss his smile. We’ll miss his laughter. We’ll miss his sense of humor. We’ll miss his company. It won’t feel right to be on family outings without him. Our family won’t be complete.

I’m sad he says he doesn’t know us as well as his mother. We’ve loved him his whole life. And we’ve raised him for the last six years. We’ve tried to do everything in our power to give him the tools he needs for success at school and in life. We’ve tried to teach him the important lessons. We’ve sat and had many, many, many conversations with him. Both heated and not. We’ve celebrated his important milestones. We’ve made him promises and we’ve kept those promises.

But that’s not enough.

So for the last four days I’ve been on the verge of tears. Because I’m not very good at letting go.

We interrupt this week of totally freaking out to bring you an interesting article I just read. If you’re dying to hear about the level of my anxiety (currently around a code orange) you can read about it at Weary Parent.

So about that article…

I’ve been a stepmom for a long time. Almost fifteen years (including my time as a stepmom-in-training, a.k.a. the girlfriend). Unfortunately, in that time, I’ve said some things I wish I hadn’t. Being a stepmom — trying to bond with your stepchildren, fitting in alone time with your new husband and dealing with your husband’s ex — can be very difficult. There’s a bit of a learning curve. If only I had seen Rosemary Rogers’ article about Things a stepmother should never say fifteen years ago. Here is her list and my commentary:

1. “Go ahead, call me Mom!”
   Justis doesn’t call me mom. He calls me Christine. And I’m fine with that. I always left the decision up to him. He can call me whatever makes him feel most comfortable (I mean within reason of course). He already has a mom. I don’t need the title to know how important I am to him.
2. “Feel free! Do whatever you want.”
   Sometimes, especially in the beginning of the relationship, we try to do whatever we can to win the love our stepchild. You’ve heard of the Disneyland Dad, well sometimes stepmoms become the Disneyland Stepmom. We think if we let the kid do whatever he wants he’ll trust us more and like us more. If we’re his friend he’ll want to hang out with us. But in the end a child needs rules. And you aren’t going to win his love when he’s a rebellious teenager who constantly butts heads with authorities.
3. “I’ll get it,” “I’ll drive,” “I’ll wash it,” “Forget about me,” etc.
   Again don’t try to win your stepchild’s love by doing everything for them. You are trying to build a bond. You are trying to be a family. You running ragged is going to get you nothing but tired.
4. “Why the long face?”
   Especially in the beginning, kids will likely be sad. You being with their dad means there is less of a chance his parents will get back together. Even kids who listened to their parents fight non-stop still hold on to that slightest chance that his parents will finally love each other again. Kids are aloud to be sad sometimes. Offer a shoulder, but don’t try to pry. You are too new to them to be all up in their business just yet.
5. “Your dad and I always … “
   Don’t talk about you and his dad do when he’s not there. I’m not talking about the ‘naughty’ things you do. I’m talking about the every day things you do. By constantly bringing up all the times you and your husband go to the movies or go out to dinner or do things with your kids is just pointing out all the fun things you do without him. Try to be respectful of his feelings and make him feel like a part of the family.
6. “Did your mother bring you up to do that?”
   Don’t, and I mean DON’T talk about his mother. Speaking negatively about the woman who raises him and loves him and who he loves, is not going to win you any points. I don’t care if she’s bat shit crazy, do not talk about his mother in a poor light. When you say bad things about his mother, kids interpret that as saying bad things about them. They take it to heart and it hurts.
7. “Have you always done that?”
   As you blend your families you may come up with new rules and traditions, but you need to introduce those slowly. Kids don’t like change. Especially when they are going through a big life changing event like their parents divorce and their dad’s remarriage. Don’t criticize them for things they’ve likely done their whole lives. Instead work with your husband to come up with ground rules you both agree on and let you husband lay out the new rules for his son.
8. “Your room is a pigsty!”
   Pick your battles. Kids are messy. I’m not saying you should let him tear up his room and leave rotting food laying around, but give the kid a little slack. If the room gets way out of control it’s his dad’s job to get him to clean it. In the first few years you just don’t have the authority to discipline. The kid won’t want to hear it from you. You may even hear “YOU AREN’T MY MOM” so don’t put yourself in that position.
9. “Well, my kids and I … “
   Just like the “your dad and I always…” comment above, don’t talk about what you and your kids do. For one, he doesn’t care what you and you’re kids do. He has a mom who he does stuff with too. Two, you will just make him feel left out. That is not the way to help him feel comfortable in your home.
10. “What’s the matter, never heard of thank you?”
    Again, pick your battles. Kids rarely say thank you to their parents. They say thank you to their friend’s mom for making supper and inviting them over. Consider it kind of a compliment that he doesn’t always thank you. It likely means he feels comfortable with you and your role as a parental figure in his life.
11. “We’re not made of money, you know.”
    Do you talk money in front of your biological kids? When you go to the store it’s ok to say “that’s not on my list today” or “we’ll put it on your birthday list” but you shouldn’t say “I can’t afford that” or anything like that. Don’t let your kids worry about money. That’s for you and your spouse to worry about. And in many divorces money is a big issue. There tends to be a lot of fighting between parents about who will pay for what and so forth. Do not bring the child in to that conversation. He doesn’t need to be the referee in that fight. That’s between his mom and his dad.
12. “It’s them or me.”
    Being a stepmom can be very stressful. And honestly it never stops being stressful. But it does get better. It’s stressful to be a parent period. There’s the teenage attitude, the staying out past curfew, the fights on the school playground, the homework that doesn’t get done…you will run in to a lot of issues as you raise your children. And the added fighting with the ex or the frustration about all the money he pays in child support can add more stress to your marriage. But telling your husband “it’s them or me” it’s really an ultimatum to your husband. It’s easy. It’s them. Would you really want to be a with a guy who would abandon his children? Is that the kind of guy you want in your life? No. Instead work on your issues together. Seek a counselor if you need to. But that ultimatum never works so don’t even go there.

We’ve spent the last several days squeezing in as many family Christmas traditions as we could. We bought our tree on Saturday. We decorated it on Monday. Followed by our first eggnog toast in the kitchen. And we made our gingerbread houses and baked some cookies last night.

There’s still six days until Christmas, but the majority of our crafts and baking had to be done by today. We don’t have the luxury of another week because this year is Justis’ year to spend Christmas with his mom. That’s how it goes in a blended family. We have to get as much done as we can while the whole family is here to participate together.

Squishing all of our activities in to a few days between school and finals and work and winter concerts and school parties and shopping and still trying to get it all done before Justis leaves for his mom’s house is often a challenge. This year was no different. There’s just never enough time in the day or month to get everything done.

It’s always so sad to not have the whole family here for Christmas. Every other year we are minus one. It always feels like were missing something. There’s an empty spot at Grandma’s dinner table. There are still presents waiting to be unwrapped under the tree after we’ve opened all of our gifts. There’s no Justis in our Christmas pictures. It sucks.

But it’s also important for him to spend time with his mom and his sister. And share in their traditions. And eat their favorite foods together. And be in their Christmas pictures.

When I was a kid my mom lived thousands of miles away, but at Christmas time she came back to the Midwest to celebrate Christmas at my Grandma’s house. I would spend Christmas Eve with my mom and Christmas Day with my dad.

However, with a six hour distance between our house and Justis’ mom’s house, we don’t get that luxury. Instead he will be spending the next two weeks with his mom and we will just celebrate Christmas with him via a phone call on the 25th.

But, on the other hand, he really misses his mom during the year and has been looking forward to spending these next two weeks with her. He’s going to have so much fun bonding with his mom, hanging out with friends and picking on his little sister. And that’s a great thing.

Plus we’ll get an extra Christmas when he comes back home and opens the gifts waiting for him under our tree. So there are some things to look forward too. Even if it does still suck a little.