The Bean Blog » Family Funnies

Vasectomies, sex and periods, oh my

Christine — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:20:40 +0000

Thursday night Skyler, Spencer and Caleb were sitting at the kitchen table filling out their valentine’s for their Valentine’s Day parties on Friday. They would have done their valentine’s sooner, but I didn’t buy them until around 7pm Thursday night. You know me and my habit of procrastination.

So anyway, they were sitting at the kitchen table filling out their valentine’s and I was making myself some Kraft Shells and Cheese (’cause yum!) when a conversation ensued. A conversation that started out as an innocent talk about twins and ended with an explanation of vasectomies, sex and periods. [I'm telling you. There is a never a dull moment in the Bean household.]

Caleb was filling out a card for Spencer, a kid in his class, when it dawned on him that Spencer, a kid in his class, has the same name as Spencer, his brother. He said, “Spencer, Spencer in my class likes football too. You could be twins. ‘Cause you’re identical.” This led in to a discussion about what it meant to be an identical twin and a fraternal twin.

And then somebody asked, “Are you going to have any more babies?”

I said, “No. We’re done having babies. We’re happy with our family just the way we are. You guys are all we need.”

Spencer begged, “But can’t we have just one more baby?”

“We can’t because Dad had a vasectomy,” I blurted out before I realized just how tricky that statement would be.

“What’s a vestomy?” asked Caleb.

I paused for a second and let out a nervous giggle. “A vasectomy? That’s when they cut a little tube in daddy’s private parts so daddy can’t make babies anymore.”

“Why does that mean he can’t make babies,” Caleb questioned.

“Well,” I stumbled, “it means the semen can’t get out to fertilize the egg. Do you know what semen is?”

Three sets of eyes stared blankly back at me so I continued, “Well a woman has ovaries and each month those ovaries produce an egg that goes down the fallopian tubes in to her uterus. When she has sex with her husband he releases semen that swims up and fertilizes that egg. If the egg gets fertilized then it grows in to a baby. If it doesn’t get fertilize then a woman has her period. Do you know what a period is?”

With a look of disgust on his face, Spencer said, “Yeah, it’s when she bleeds from her private parts.”

“Something like that,” I responded.

Caleb piped in, “Mom, you said some bad words.”

“What words were those,” I asked.

“S-E-X,” Caleb spelled.

“Sex isn’t a bad word. Either is penis or vagina. They are just body parts. When you are talking about your body it’s ok to use those words. Just don’t use them as an insult. Like don’t call somebody a penis,” I informed.

Caleb said, “Yeah, like when somebody says ’suck my dick’ that’s bad.”

“Yes it is. I don’t want to hear that at all,” I said.

We chatted a little more and I asked them them if they had any other questions. Spencer was still stuck on the vasectomy issue.

“But you can still have a baby,” Spencer said.

“I could, but I’d have to have a baby with some other guy and I would never do that,” I said.

Caleb said, “Yeah, cause that’s cheating and that’s bad.”

Skyler chirped in, “Yeah, that’s just rude.”

Spencer said, “Ah man. But I really wanted a little brother.”

“You have a little brother,” I informed him. “You have Caleb.”

“Yeah, but I wanted a baby brother,” he whined.

“Well they don’t stay little forever, you know. We aren’t having anymore. But Keaton and Justis might have a baby in a few years. In 10 years Keaton will be 25. He could get married and have a baby by then. Then you’d be an uncle.”

Then the kids were figuring out how old they would be in 10 years. Skyler & Spencer would be 20. Caleb would be 17.

“By then all of you will be moving out of the house. And I’ll be lonely,” I said.

Caleb said, “I might live with you for a long time.”

Skyler said, “I’m living with you until I find a man.”

Spencer said, “Well…I’ll come visit you.”

It’s these intimate conversations and hard questions I treasure most with my kids. When I was younger I was always so embarrassed whenever my parents would talk to me about sex. I figured it would be hard for me to talk to my own kids about it. But it’s not. I would rather my kids come to me when they have questions so I know they are getting the truth. And I’m glad they feel comfortable enough to ask me the questions that are on their minds. I hope we continue to stay this close as they move in to the teenage years.

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The other ‘a’ word

Christine — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 04:00:06 +0000

Last night we took the kids to the local community theater production of Annie. It really brought back some memories for me. Annie was the first show I saw on Broadway and I fell in love with it. I wanted to be Annie from that point forward. As I got older I realized I couldn’t sing. Or dance. So Broadway probably wasn’t my thing, but I still love the theater to this day.

We are season ticket holders to local community theater. As season ticket holders we get coupons for free sodas. Last night I handed a coupon to each kid and told them to go get whatever they wanted.

After a few minutes Keaton came back with a soda. And Spencer was following behind with tears starting to form in his eyes and a pout on his lips.

“What happened?” we asked.

I figured Keaton must have done something to him…like usual. But actually this time Keaton didn’t do anything. And that was the problem.

“I was standing there and they helped Keaton but they wouldn’t help me,” Spencer sobbed.

The problem is Spencer is pretty shy. So they probably didn’t realize Spencer wanted anything because he wouldn’t speak up.

I said, “You’ve got to tell them what you want. Go back and get yourself a soda.”

Spencer didn’t want to go by himself. He was too scared. So Keaton grabbed Spencer’s ticket and went to go buy him a soda. But before he walked off he made a snide comment to Spencer…like usual.

Spencer pushed Keaton and Keaton almost fell over the row of chairs in front of us.

We all yelled at Spencer to knock it off and watch his temper.

“But he called me antisocial!” Spencer bellowed.

Grandma said, “So? That’s not a bad word.”

Spencer said, “It means I’m not good with people.”

And apparently that’s a bad word in Spencer’s dictionary. But at least he knows what it means.

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Today’s 4th grade lesson on bankruptcy

Christine — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:20:05 +0000

The woman in charge of lunch accounts at the elementary school called me the other day. The kids’ lunch accounts were negative. In fact Caleb’s account was almost negative $10. What?!? Really? I could have sworn we just sent lunch money to school with them not that long ago. The lunch lady said, “Well did you know they eat breakfast quite a bit? In fact Caleb eats breakfast almost every day?”

I did not know this. In fact I was shocked by this because as far as I know he eats a bowl of cereal at home every morning before school. He’s not a teenager. He’s only seven. He shouldn’t be so hungry he’s eating two breakfasts every day. I thought I at least had another five years or so before these kids literally ate me out of house and home. But apparently I completely underestimated the appetite of my 7-year-old.

When the kids got home from school that day we had a little sit down with them. We told them it costs a lot of money for them all to eat both breakfast and lunch at school. I said, “You really need to eat breakfast at home. You just tell me what kind of cereal you like and I’ll buy it for you. Plus we have flavored oatmeal if you want some of that too.” [Cause I think we all know I'm not getting up at 7am to make bacon and eggs.]

Lee got all serious and he said, “You know what eating breakfast at school leads to, right?”

Without skipping a beat Spencer said, “Bankruptcy?”

Lee and I burst out laughing. “Um no. I was going to say we’ll start making you take your lunch to school.”

How does a 10-year-old even know what bankruptcy is? What are they teaching kids in school today?

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Overheard last night at Thanksgiving dinner

Christine — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:35:03 +0000

Spencer was eating ham and he claimed he didn’t like it.

Skyler: It’s the same thing that’s in hamburger.

Spencer: No it’s not.

Skyler: Yes it is.

Spencer: No it’s not.

Caleb: SPENCER! HAM…burger. Yes it is.

Skyler: Mom, is ham in hamburger?

Me: No, ham comes from a pig. Hamburger comes from a cow.

Spencer: See. A hamburger has burger in it.

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is beef.

Spencer: Yeah, whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night…

Caleb was sliding down the stairs on his back.

Spencer: Caleb thinks he’s drunk. Caleb, you aren’t drunk.

Caleb: Yes I am.

Spencer: No you aren’t. You haven’t drinken any alcohol. Or beer.

Caleb: Yes I have.

Spencer: Root Beer doesn’t count.

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Marriage is a nightmare

Christine — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 02:13:10 +0000

Mere minutes ago I was giving Caleb hugs and kisses before bed. We have some of our best conversations at bedtime.

The other night he was a little wild so I told him we better meditate. We sat on his bed cross legged, our thumb and middle fingers together in the shape of “o” and chanting, “Ohmmmm, ohmmm.” After a minute Skyler joined in but she was saying, “ohmmm mama mia.” Caleb put his hands in to a “T” and said, “Time out. Skyler knock it off.”

Tonight, as I was going in for a big smooch, Caleb asked, “Mom why do married people sleep together? Is it because they have nightmares?”

Oh kids say the cutest things.

I said, “No it’s because parents love each other.”

“Well what if they don’t love each other?”

“They wouldn’t be married if they didn’t love each other.”

“But what if they didn’t like each other but got married anyway?”

“You shouldn’t get married if you don’t like each other.”

“Ok oh. So they just take off their rings then?”

I decided to change the subject. “Do you think me and dad love each other?”

“Yeah,” he said with slight attitude like “duh.”

“Do you think we love you?”

He giggled, “Yep!”

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How to pick a husband according to a second grader

Christine — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 23:54:57 +0000

Last night Spencer and I were in the car on our way to soccer club tryouts. We were listening to our regular radio station (Top 20 on 20 on XM) when the newest Taylor Swift song, Our Song, came on. If you are unfamiliar with the song it is sort of a country song.

In the middle of the song Spencer said, “I don’t like country music.”

“I don’t either,” I told him.

“Does anybody in our family like country music?” he asked.

“Dad does.”

“He does? Then why did you marry him?”

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The other ‘a’ word Last night we took the kids to the local community...

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Bug Bites

Christine — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:03:22 +0000

As I was giving Spencer hugs and kisses before tonight, he pointed out a bump on his hand. He said it itched…a lot.

I said, “It looks ok. I think it’s a bug bite.”

He asked, “Are there bugs in the winter?”

“There are some bugs,” I said without going in to details about spiders, bed bugs and whatnot.

He said, “Oh yeah. I saw a spaquito outside the other day.”

I asked, “A spaquito?”

“Yep.”

Mosquito, Spaquito. Tomato, Tomoto.

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Caleb’s early comedy career

Christine — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 02:22:41 +0000

Caleb has his first kindergarten field trip today. We went to the pumpkin patch where we went on a hayrack ride, made faces at the animals at the petting zoo, played on the playground equipment and picked out pumpkins and gourds.

But before we ever got to the pumpkin patch I discovered that kids often are a little too honest for their own good.

In the classroom we lined up to march out to the buses. I was in charge of Caleb and his classmate, Hunter. We were in the back of the line. There was another mom right in front of us. She wasn’t a big woman, but she did have kind of a J-Lo backside. Her rear end happened to be right at eye level with the kids and Hunter’s face was just inches from her butt.

Caleb leaned over to Hunter and whispered, “Do you like big butts and you can not lie?”

I tried not to laugh because [duh] that was so rude. But it was also so funny to hear this five year old using a 15 year old song to make a totally off-colored joke.

Speaking of butts, here’s a photo of the miniature pony checking out Caleb’s backside. I wonder if she’s channeling her inner Sir Mix-a-Lot too.

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Hobos and ghouls and army men…oh my I’ve talked before about how Halloween is not my...

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Who knew beasts could free your soul?

Christine — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 01:06:50 +0000

Caleb has a new favorite song. He learned it on the bus and has been singing it ever since.

The first time he sang it he said, “Give me the beach ball….” Now he says, “Give me the beast boy and free my soul.” Too funny!

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Just chillin’ and eating some pencils

Christine — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 03:19:37 +0000

I turned on the water for Caleb’s bath. He stripped off his clothes and climbed in to the tub. First he dipped his toe in and then, when he was satisfied the water was just the right temperature, he scaled the edge of the bathtub. On all fours he crawled over the water spout and began drinking the water pouring in to the tub. He looked over and me and declared, “I’m thirsty” as if we’d been depriving him of liquids for days. “I ate some pencils,” he continued.

“Some pencils?” I asked. I truly had no idea what he was talking about. I did have Keaton and Justis babysit for an hour when I took Spencer to soccer practice. But surely they didn’t feed their brother pencils.

But then I remembered seeing an empty bag of pretzels on the kitchen counter. “Oh you mean pretzels?” I asked.

“No. Pencils.”

“Umm…no. You mean pretzels.”

“NO! Pencils. And they made me thirsty.”

Whatever. There’s no arguing with that kid. He is so bull-headed. I don’t know where he could have learned that from.

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Vasectomies, sex and periods, oh my Thursday night Skyler, Spencer and Caleb were sitting at the...

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