Thursday night Skyler, Spencer and Caleb were sitting at the kitchen table filling out their valentine’s for their Valentine’s Day parties on Friday. They would have done their valentine’s sooner, but I didn’t buy them until around 7pm Thursday night. You know me and my habit of procrastination.

So anyway, they were sitting at the kitchen table filling out their valentine’s and I was making myself some Kraft Shells and Cheese (’cause yum!) when a conversation ensued. A conversation that started out as an innocent talk about twins and ended with an explanation of vasectomies, sex and periods. [I'm telling you. There is a never a dull moment in the Bean household.]

Caleb was filling out a card for Spencer, a kid in his class, when it dawned on him that Spencer, a kid in his class, has the same name as Spencer, his brother. He said, “Spencer, Spencer in my class likes football too. You could be twins. ‘Cause you’re identical.” This led in to a discussion about what it meant to be an identical twin and a fraternal twin.

And then somebody asked, “Are you going to have any more babies?”

I said, “No. We’re done having babies. We’re happy with our family just the way we are. You guys are all we need.”

Spencer begged, “But can’t we have just one more baby?”

“We can’t because Dad had a vasectomy,” I blurted out before I realized just how tricky that statement would be.

“What’s a vestomy?” asked Caleb.

I paused for a second and let out a nervous giggle. “A vasectomy? That’s when they cut a little tube in daddy’s private parts so daddy can’t make babies anymore.”

“Why does that mean he can’t make babies,” Caleb questioned.

“Well,” I stumbled, “it means the semen can’t get out to fertilize the egg. Do you know what semen is?”

Three sets of eyes stared blankly back at me so I continued, “Well a woman has ovaries and each month those ovaries produce an egg that goes down the fallopian tubes in to her uterus. When she has sex with her husband he releases semen that swims up and fertilizes that egg. If the egg gets fertilized then it grows in to a baby. If it doesn’t get fertilize then a woman has her period. Do you know what a period is?”

With a look of disgust on his face, Spencer said, “Yeah, it’s when she bleeds from her private parts.”

“Something like that,” I responded.

Caleb piped in, “Mom, you said some bad words.”

“What words were those,” I asked.

“S-E-X,” Caleb spelled.

“Sex isn’t a bad word. Either is penis or vagina. They are just body parts. When you are talking about your body it’s ok to use those words. Just don’t use them as an insult. Like don’t call somebody a penis,” I informed.

Caleb said, “Yeah, like when somebody says ’suck my dick’ that’s bad.”

“Yes it is. I don’t want to hear that at all,” I said.

We chatted a little more and I asked them them if they had any other questions. Spencer was still stuck on the vasectomy issue.

“But you can still have a baby,” Spencer said.

“I could, but I’d have to have a baby with some other guy and I would never do that,” I said.

Caleb said, “Yeah, cause that’s cheating and that’s bad.”

Skyler chirped in, “Yeah, that’s just rude.”

Spencer said, “Ah man. But I really wanted a little brother.”

“You have a little brother,” I informed him. “You have Caleb.”

“Yeah, but I wanted a baby brother,” he whined.

“Well they don’t stay little forever, you know. We aren’t having anymore. But Keaton and Justis might have a baby in a few years. In 10 years Keaton will be 25. He could get married and have a baby by then. Then you’d be an uncle.”

Then the kids were figuring out how old they would be in 10 years. Skyler & Spencer would be 20. Caleb would be 17.

“By then all of you will be moving out of the house. And I’ll be lonely,” I said.

Caleb said, “I might live with you for a long time.”

Skyler said, “I’m living with you until I find a man.”

Spencer said, “Well…I’ll come visit you.”

It’s these intimate conversations and hard questions I treasure most with my kids. When I was younger I was always so embarrassed whenever my parents would talk to me about sex. I figured it would be hard for me to talk to my own kids about it. But it’s not. I would rather my kids come to me when they have questions so I know they are getting the truth. And I’m glad they feel comfortable enough to ask me the questions that are on their minds. I hope we continue to stay this close as they move in to the teenage years.

Last night we took the kids to the local community theater production of Annie. It really brought back some memories for me. Annie was the first show I saw on Broadway and I fell in love with it. I wanted to be Annie from that point forward. As I got older I realized I couldn’t sing. Or dance. So Broadway probably wasn’t my thing, but I still love the theater to this day.

We are season ticket holders to local community theater. As season ticket holders we get coupons for free sodas. Last night I handed a coupon to each kid and told them to go get whatever they wanted.

After a few minutes Keaton came back with a soda. And Spencer was following behind with tears starting to form in his eyes and a pout on his lips.

“What happened?” we asked.

I figured Keaton must have done something to him…like usual. But actually this time Keaton didn’t do anything. And that was the problem.

“I was standing there and they helped Keaton but they wouldn’t help me,” Spencer sobbed.

The problem is Spencer is pretty shy. So they probably didn’t realize Spencer wanted anything because he wouldn’t speak up.

I said, “You’ve got to tell them what you want. Go back and get yourself a soda.”

Spencer didn’t want to go by himself. He was too scared. So Keaton grabbed Spencer’s ticket and went to go buy him a soda. But before he walked off he made a snide comment to Spencer…like usual.

Spencer pushed Keaton and Keaton almost fell over the row of chairs in front of us.

We all yelled at Spencer to knock it off and watch his temper.

“But he called me antisocial!” Spencer bellowed.

Grandma said, “So? That’s not a bad word.”

Spencer said, “It means I’m not good with people.”

And apparently that’s a bad word in Spencer’s dictionary. But at least he knows what it means.

Ever since I can remember I dreamed about growing up and having twins. My great-grandmother was a twin. She was Ruby and her twin sister was Ruth. I think I had heard that twins run in families so since my Bubby was a twin, of course, I would have twins too.

When I was just a child, like many little girls, I imagined my adult self married with babies; my twin babies. They would be two girls and I was going to name them Hannah and Hailey.

So when I was 25, pregnant, sick as a dog and my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to “rule out the possibility of twins” I knew exactly how the ultrasound would turn out. I set up my ultrasound appointment and went straight to the book store to buy a book on being pregnant with twins. I was that confident.

The day we had our ultrasound Lee and I looked up at the monitor as the ultrasound tech said, “Well here’s why you’re so nauseous. You’re having twins.” Lee nearly fell out of his chair. But I wasn’t shocked at all. I was excited.

However, I completely underestimated the double tween and teen angst that comes with twins.

Skyler & Spencer couldn’t be more different starting with that fact that Skyler is a girl and Spencer is a boy (no Hannah and Hailey which was fine with me because after 20 years I was sick and tired of those name). Skyler is very social (an extrovert all the way). Spencer is pretty quiet (an introvert like his mom).

At the Sock Hop last night Skyler was hollering out to everybody, waving and fluttering around like her usual social butterfly self. One boy in their class, Joseph, walked by Spencer and Skyler yelled out “Hi Joseph!”

But he didn’t hear her so Spencer turned around and said, “Joseph, Skyler wants you.” Joseph took this to mean that Skyler wanted his hot 4th grade bod and seemed a bit stunned.

Spencer said, “NOOO. She just wants to talk to you.”

Joseph said, “Oh” and walked over to Skyler so she could say Hi to him.

As Joseph walked away Spencer said, “Skyler you know all the boys in our class think you’re annoying.”

I looked over and Skyler to gage how she was going to take this news. Sometimes she’s just blows off her brother. And other times she gets upset. This was one of those upset times.

She crinkled up her nose, pursed her lips and started to cry.

She knows Spencer says things like this just to get her riled up. But she always takes them to heart anyway. Spencer likes to tell her “I don’t like you” to which Skyler responds, “Yes you do. You love me.”

So there we were in the middle of the school cafeteria. Skyler in tears. Spencer looking all smug.

I said, “Skyler you know Spencer just says stuff like that to make you mad. Joseph wouldn’t have walked over here to talk to you if he thought you were annoying, right?”

I think in the mean time Lee was giving Spencer the evil eye so Spencer was giving a very unbelievable “I’m sorry Skyler” speech.

But Skyler realized I was right. Joseph would have just ignored her if he thought she was annoying. [Well no more annoying than any other girl in the 4th grade class. Aren't all girls annoying to boys in the 4th grade?] So she cheered back up and went off to shake her booty.

They’re only 10. We have years and years of these little battles to deal with. I’m going to need much, much more wine.

The woman in charge of lunch accounts at the elementary school called me the other day. The kids’ lunch accounts were negative. In fact Caleb’s account was almost negative $10. What?!? Really? I could have sworn we just sent lunch money to school with them not that long ago. The lunch lady said, “Well did you know they eat breakfast quite a bit? In fact Caleb eats breakfast almost every day?”

I did not know this. In fact I was shocked by this because as far as I know he eats a bowl of cereal at home every morning before school. He’s not a teenager. He’s only seven. He shouldn’t be so hungry he’s eating two breakfasts every day. I thought I at least had another five years or so before these kids literally ate me out of house and home. But apparently I completely underestimated the appetite of my 7-year-old.

When the kids got home from school that day we had a little sit down with them. We told them it costs a lot of money for them all to eat both breakfast and lunch at school. I said, “You really need to eat breakfast at home. You just tell me what kind of cereal you like and I’ll buy it for you. Plus we have flavored oatmeal if you want some of that too.” [Cause I think we all know I'm not getting up at 7am to make bacon and eggs.]

Lee got all serious and he said, “You know what eating breakfast at school leads to, right?”

Without skipping a beat Spencer said, “Bankruptcy?”

Lee and I burst out laughing. “Um no. I was going to say we’ll start making you take your lunch to school.”

How does a 10-year-old even know what bankruptcy is? What are they teaching kids in school today?