Yes, I’m one of those. One of those people who makes new year resolutions. Most years I don’t actually succeed with all of my goals. For example, last year I resolved to run 300 miles on the treadmill. I started out so good. And then April came and somehow my desire to run ended. I jumped on a few times in the months to follow, but I didn’t meet my ridiculously low goal of 300 miles. Maybe next year.

This year I’ve decided to make resolutions about my attitude. I’m trying to remember that I cannot change things that are not in my control; such as other people. I can only change myself and the way I react to other people.

(1) I resolve to stop protecting Lee from his mother. I had such good intentions with this in the beginning. When Lee and I first dated I knew that his father had abandoned him at conception and then his mother abandoned him at birth. I don’t know all the details. It’s not even necessary to know all of the details. We can’t live in the past. We can only live for the future.

So when Lee and I first got married I really tried to push him to have a better relationship with his mother. Lee was raised by his grandmother and [although there were many times they had no idea where his mother was] his mother has always kind of been “around.” I tried to convince him to send his mother birthday cards and Christmas cards and even call her every once and a while. But Lee didn’t want to. He just wasn’t ready for that type of relationship yet.

And as the years progressed I realized why. Lee tends to open himself up a little bit and then gets hurt in the end. Personally, I think his mother is very selfish. And if I was in Lee’s place I wouldn’t ever want anything to do with her again. I just wouldn’t want to feel that hurt over and over again. Sometimes it’s just best to let people go.

But I’m not Lee. And Lee is a grown man. He can make his own decision. And I need to let him.

I am a woman and a mother so my nature instinct is to protect. But I need to learn to stop protecting Lee and just be here for him in whatever decision he makes with regards to his mother. And when if she hurts him again I just need to be here to comfort him.

That’s something I really struggle with. I want to convince him to leave her behind. But I can’t. I just have to be supportive.

I also need to stop being so judgmental when it comes to his mom. Maybe [hopefully] she is a very caring person. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to express it. I need to learn to be more forgiving. Even though she has stated she doesn’t want Lee’s forgiveness, I need to be forgiving not for her, but for me. This is what I resolve to work on in 2006.

(2) I need to learn to be more patient and understanding especially when it come to Nicci. We have always had to live amicably since all three of us are raising Justis. But in the past it’s been more Nicci’s job then ours. Justis lived with her. Far away. And the majority of the days it didn’t really effect us much because we didn’t see Justis enough.

Of course, I don’t mean that to sound like we only thought of Justis on the eight weeks a year we got to see him. We thought of Justis always. And we checked in on him often. But he was six hours away so we just weren’t as involved in his life as we were with the four kids who live with us full-time.

But now Justis lives with us and the roles are reversed. It’s our responsiblity to make sure that Nicci is able to stay involved in Justis’ life. It’s our job to make sure Justis has as much access to his mom and his sister as is possible. It is now our full-time job to make sure he succeeds; not just in school, but in life.

And to do that I need to take a chill pill. I admit it. I’m jealous.

I will always be second best when it comes to Justis. And I’m actually ok with that. I know I’m not his mom. I resolved to that fact a long time ago. He has a mom. He doesn’t need, nor is he seeking, a second one. I am his stepmom. Similiar, but never exactly the same. And that’s fine.

But not only is Nicci Justis’ mom, but she’s also the first “real” love of Lee’s life. In fact Lee was still very much in love with her when he and I began dating. And when Lee and I split up when I was pregnant with Keaton, Lee and Nicci got back together [albeit briefly].

I know Lee doesn’t have those feelings for Nicci anymore. And I know Lee loves me with all his heart. I also know unequivocally that Lee is very much devoted to me. I don’t doubt Lee’s adoration of me for a second.

However, he has a child with somebody he once loved dearly. So it’s not like a normal relationship that ends and you never see the person again. We have to live with her in our lives.

She’s not a monster or anything. She is usually quite amicable and we usually agree or can come to a compromise. But, like any other failed love affair turned friendly relationship, there are some disagreements. And, with most arguments, each sides believes they are in the right.

This is where I’m speaking of being more patient and understanding. I need to look at these disagreements through both sets of eyes. I need to shed my insecurities and think of only what is best for Justis. I need to stop being the slightest bit jealous when he talks to his mother and she tells him something other then what I may have said. I need to be more understanding that we are a nation of very unique individuals with our own ideas and values.

Again, I need to be supportive and just do the best I can. That’s all I can really expect from myself. I’m a stepmom and it’s a very hard job, but I can do it. I have faith in my ability. And I know I can make decision based on what I believe is best for Justis and still be respectful to Nicci. This is what I resolve to do in 2006.

(3) I need to either shit or get off the pot when it comes to my job. I can’t make empty threats. I need to follow through.

On one hand I really like my job. I love the people I work with. I really enjoy what I do. And I’m good at it. I even like my boss. No, seriously. She is a very nice person. She just isn’t the kind of manager that I work well with. So I need to either make the decision to change my attitude about the way she manages or look for a new job.

Unfortunately I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like her management style has beaten me down. I no longer feel motivated to work hard and do a good job. I have asked for a promotion mulitple times. I have laid out the reasons I am deserving of a raise. We discussed it. She gave me some ways to improve. And I did it.

Now I’m asking again [two months ago]. Again, she agreed. But this time she didn’t have anything else for me to improve on. And I still have no promotion.

So what’s my next step?

I can either (1) stop being a whiny crybaby about my boss. I’m to the point where I dread even seeing her number on my caller id. I get angry when I hear her say something that’s probably innocent, but I take the wrong way. I can’t stand it when she tries to help me when I don’t ask for it. Basically, I’m just mad. So if I’m going to stay where I’m at I need to change that mindset and accept my position with forgiving eyes.

Or I can (2) look for a new job. Our merger will be complete after the beginning of the new year. Hopefully new positions will be available and I can start looking.

I haven’t really decided what I’m going to do about this part of my resolution yet. At this point I don’t have a new job so I am going to have to change my attitude. It’s probably the best place to start anyway. So I’m going to be more accepting, not submissive, but accepting of my boss and her point of view. This is what I resolve to do in 2006.

What are your new year’s resolutions?

Having been born in May, Caleb was older at his first Christmas then any of the other kids were at their first Christmas’. Not to take away from any of the other kids’ first holiday, but at seven months old, Caleb was much more in to the holiday spirit. The biggest difference being that he didn’t sleep through it. Instead he sat smiling through the whole night, loving every minute of it.

I got him a really cute outfit on eBay. It was these adorable reindeer overalls with flapping antlers. And the seller tossed in a precious little pair of holiday socks; green with little Santa’s all over them. Caleb looked so handsome in his little holiday outfit.

This year our Christmas Eve celebration moved back over to Grandma O’s house [her new condo]. By now you know the drill. We ate our soup and went out to look at lights. Caleb didn’t sleep through the car ride like the other kids. Instead he sat in his car seat and listened to us all talk about the lights. He was still too young to really appreciate the lights, but he watched and listened intently anyway.

When we got back to Grandma O’s, Santa had been there. All of the kids were so excited and Caleb could sense their enthusiasm which made him excited too. As we all opened our gifts, Caleb crawled back and forth between each of us. He was watching in amazment as we all ripped the colorful paper from our packages. My mom and I helped him open his presents, but like the other kids before him, he was more interested in the paper then what was underneath.

Nontheless, I think Caleb had a great time. Like I said, he had a smile on his face the whole time. Watching his rosy cheeks and his cute little smile just melted my heart.

The next morning we opened gifts at our house. Lee picked up Granny so she could come over and celebrate Christmas with us. They each got their lifesaver storybooks [which was something I always got as a child too]. They also got all kinds of cool toys and games [and clothes].

Lee helped Caleb open most of his gifts. Caleb wasn’t all that interested in the presents, but he did sit patiently as his daddy ripped off the paper.

This was our last “first” Christmas. We won’t have anymore children to start these holiday traditions with. At least not until our kids grow up and have kids of their own. But for now it’s fun to remember back to these special days. And it’s even better to continue to create new memories every year. It’s just wonderful to spend these days with our kids.

Skyler & Spencer’s first Christmas was kind of a blur for me. They were only two and a half months old. Skyler had colic and I got very little sleep those first two months. I had just gone back to work the first week of December. And one of my husband’s childhood friends passed away just a week before Christmas.

And just a few weeks after Christmas I found myself in the hospital having my appendix removed.

I really need to stop starting these Christmas memories with the bad things that happened those years. But somehow the bad things are what I remember the best. Why is it always that way? Why don’t the good memories fill our brains and the bad just go away?

So anyway, by Christmas we had Skyler on some very expensive, but worth every single penny formula and she was finally starting to drift in to a good sleep pattern. And by this, I mean she was not crying non-stop from 11pm to 8am the next morning. And that was really the only Christmas present I needed.

As for the holiday, we spent Christmas Eve at Uncle John and Aunt Lisa’s house. They were in their new house by then and we had lots of room to spread out. Lisa is a serious “Martha Stewart” type. She sold candles for many, many years and got tons of great decorating ideas. Their house was [and still is] beautiful.

Besides their normal decor, Christmas’ at their house were always spectacular. Lisa has a HUGE Christmas wreath she hangs in the living room. Many years it hung in the landing of the large stairway that greeted you as you entered the house. And some years she placed it above the buffet in the living room.

Lisa has some of the most magnificent holiday dishes; elegant holly dishes, sparkling wine and water glasses and even a statuesque pitcher with an old time Santa hand painted on. When you look at images in Home and Garden magazine of dazzling Christmas settings, there should be images of Lisa’s house on Christmas Eve. Before we celebrated Christmas’ at Lisa’s house I never realized how magical the holiday was when you lived it in wonderland. I’m not saying that Christmas can’t be a fantastic or magical experience without this decor, but it certainly doesn’t hurt either.

Every year John and Lisa pick out the best tree. I’ve talked a lot about how disappointed I am in our current skinny fake tree. And that’s because I have childhood memories of these fabulous trees. My dad and I always went to the tree farm and picked out a very full and very tall tree for a out living room. John and Lisa always have a huge tree that pratically covers the whole stairwell railing. It’s just amazing. These are the trees that I remember and the trees that I want my kids to remember. [I'm not settling next year ]

Luckily we got to spend Christmas with Justis that year. It made it even more special to have him with us for Skyler & Spencer’s first Christmas. And this was the first time he got to meet his new brother and sister. He was only seven years old plus he’s a boy so babies weren’t on the top of his list of fun things to play with. They didn’t quite as exciting as trucks and dirt and wrestling. But I still think he was happy to meet them and kind of excited to be a big brother again.

We had a great meal that year and a lot of fun looking at lights. Just like Keaton’s first year, Skyler & Spencer slept through the whole thing. But Keaton and Justis loved the lights. And, of course, when we got back to John and Lisa’s house Santa had come. Skyler and Spencer continued to sleep through the present opening, but we got all of their gifts open for them with Keaton and Justis’ help.

The next morning we celebrated at home. Our very first Christmas in our new home. Our very first home. No more apartment. No more peice of crap trailer. No more living at mom’s until we found a home. We found it. And we were living in it. And we were loving it. It’s so awesome to be a home owner raising your kids in a place you can paint any color and a place where they can play in the yard.

By this point in our lives we had lost my grandma [on my dad's side]. Cancer took her from us three years earlier. And we no longer celebrated Christmas at grandma and grandpa’s house. I was really sad about this. It was sad the previous year too when we didn’t get together. But it was even worse this year since I had two new babies that would never get to experience that celebration the way I always did as a child.

But we didn’t let that put a damper on our holiday. Instead we went to my Grandma O’s house for our traditional Christmas dinner. And Grandma O even served ham [in addition to her turkey] because she knew that’s what I like. It’s so wonderful to know that your family cares so much about you. It’s these little things like serving ham that reminds you of how lucky you are to have these fantastic people in your life.

My mom and my grandma and my aunt were thrilled to spend Christmas with us. And we were thrilled to spend it with them. It brought great pride to my heart to watch my grandma and my mom and my Aunt Candy cooing over my babies and wrestling with our big boys. This is what family is truly about. Spending time together and loving every minute of it.

We took tons of photos that Christmas [like we do every Christmas] and I’m so glad I have these pictures to look back on and to help me remember the warmth we felt on that holiday. I really cannot say it enough. I am truly blessed to have this family which I so cherish. To have these kids to love and be loved by. And to have this husband to snuggle and appreciate.

Keaton’s first Christmas was one overshadowed by emotion for me.

Lee and I had split up during my pregnancy and didn’t get back together until a few months before Keaton’s first birthday. So I was a single mom during this point in our lives. I was only twenty years old, scared that I wasn’t going to be a very good mother to my now four month old son, and sad that we didn’t have a complete family.

This was also the Christmas where my sister made the comment about my stepmother not liking my baby [meaning Keaton]. I won’t go in to a lot of detail about that since I already talked about it when I talked about my stepmother in a previous post, but it was hurtful and, unfortunately, I let it not ruin, but put a damper on my Christmas.

And now that I look back on that, this was one of only two Christmas’ Keaton got to spend with my Grandma before she past away.

But before I bring myself to tears and make it seem like Keaton’s first Christmas was a horrible Christmas, I am going to continue on with all of the good things Keaton and I got to share on that holiday.

I have many great memories of my own Christmas’ as a child. I remember the gifts I got and the fun I had and how happy I was. But I don’t remember anybody else. I don’t have any idea what my mom got for Christmas when I was child. Or what gifts my dad enjoyed best. It was always about me. This first Christmas with Keaton I realized that this was truly the best Christmas ever. Because now Christmas was no longer about me. Now I was passing down this tradition to my own children. You never truly appreciate Christmas more then you do when you look at through the eyes of your child.

I know, at four and a half months old, he was too young to even understand what was going on. Santa Claus came to visit the kids at his daycare. I set Keaton on Santa’s lap and it was just like sitting on any other guys lap to him. But I was teary-eyed realizing that there was my son sitting on Santa’s lap. Something I had done for many, many years. And here was my baby doing the same thing.

Keaton’s daycare had a Christmas program every year. And all of the kids, even the babies, participated. Keaton was an elf; Elf Keaton [they were really creative with those names, weren't they?] The babies all came out on their sleigh [two four person strollers].

The teachers and administrators held the kids and sang a few Christmas songs. One of the songs was the 12 Days of Christmas with a little twist. Keaton was six hugs a cuddling. It was such a cute performance. Once again I was teary-eyed. I never cried so much before I had kids. I was so proud of my little super star.

Just like every other year, we spent Christmas Eve with my mom’s side of the family. That particular year we celebrated at my Uncle John and Aunt Lisa’s house. This was Keaton’s first year of experiencing all of the traditions I had loved all my life. We all ate our soup [except Keaton who ate baby food and a bottle of formula]. Then he went on his very first ride to look at lights. And we went through the cemetary to see the beautiful light display and live nativity scene. Of course, none of this meant much to Keaton. He pretty much slept through the whole thing. But it was the start of traditions he would come to know and love.

Back at John and Lisa’s, the presents had really grown under the tree. Santa had been there. Keaton helped me open his gifts and mine. He wasn’t too interested in what was under the wrapping or inside the boxes, but he was fascinated by the wrapping paper and even tore a few pieces himself. He got some pretty cool toys, blocks and stuffed animals and clothes and we got a new high chair for him to eat in.

The next day we had Christmas at home. Keaton and I lived in an apartment with my friend, Necole. Necole was an awesome “aunt” Necole to Keaton. She helped me out tremendously in those first few months; bathing him and feeding him and changing his diaper [and once sitting right in his wet spot after she just saw him pee on the floor...hee hee...I just had to bring that one up, Necole ]. So it really was a great experience to share that Christmas with her. Keaton’s stocking was filled with baby food. Just exactly what he wanted. Keaton also got a new dinosaur laundry basket, some new bowls, some rattle socks, and “aunt” Necole gave him a bouncy ball. He loved it.

After we celebrated Christmas at home, we headed over to my grandma and grandpa’s house to celebrate with my dad’s side of the family. All of my aunts and uncles were there. This was the very first time most of them got to meet Keaton. And I was such a beaming mom, showing off my new beautiful baby.

We opened our gifts and then Keaton napped on the living room floor as the rest of us gathered around the table, eating and laughing. After dinner, my dad, my sister and I played with Keaton for a while. My dad is an expert tickler and he had Keaton just giggling away. I remember being so happy to be there sharing that time with my family.

I know Keaton doesn’t remember a thing about his very first Christmas, but to me it was a miracle. God had entrusted me with a baby boy to love and cherish forever. What I didn’t realize is he had blessed me with a child who would open my eyes about what the holiday really meant. I thank God every day that I have this boy. Even when he spouts out his attitude or talks back, I’m so thankful I have him here to argue with. I wouldn’t trade this motherhood job for anything in the world.