I gave my first speech today. I mean my first speech in this business class I’m taking. It was an “icebreaker” speech. Basically a quick thirty second speech where you talk about yourself. Sounds easy enough. Well easy if you’re not a bumbling idiot when you get in front of fifty people. I think we all know what category I fit in to. Need I tell you that my speech sucked? With a capital SUCKED!
I had many strikes against me.
First, I didn’t eat all day. Unless you call two bottles of Mt. Dew nourishment. I was getting so good about eating breakfast every morning and almost always eating lunch. But this week I’ve been failing at both. So no food what so ever today. I really consider myself lucky that I didn’t just pass out in front of 50 twenty year olds.
Second, our teacher didn’t put the five topics up on the overhead like she did the previous weeks. I have been practicing those five questions for two weeks.
(1) Your name
(2) Where are you from?
(3) What is your ideal job?
(4) Why did you decide to enter the College of Business?
(5) Tell something unique or funny about yourself
I knew the questions. I know them now. I know them vividly. I could repeat them in my sleep. But as soon as I stepped up in front of the kiddies the questions were gone. Umm….what?…my name….uahmph….shit.
Ok, so I didn’t say shit. But I was on the verge.
I made it through my name. I even did the little pause between my first and last name like the teacher told us to do “for dramatic effect.” I was on a roll.
I tried to funny on where I was from and about tripped over my tongue. Lesson learned. No funny. Especially not in front of children. Funny doesn’t come off as funny when you are shaking like a leaf and praying your knees don’t lock up sending you crashing in to the table.
Ideal job? Damn! What’s my ideal job? What’s a job? Oh God, please strike me dead.
I actually made it through the “why I’m in the College of Business” part with only a little bit of a stumble.
And then I realized I had my hands in my pocket. Get your damn hands out of your pocket. Teacher said it makes you look like your in a straight jacket. Why are your hands in your pocket? Get them out. Get them out now!
Panic took over. I lost my place. Shit, where was I?
And what’s unique about me? “Probably the most unique thing about me is that I have five kids.” I heard gasps. One kid in back sputtered, “holy shit.”
People are usually shocked when I tell them I have so many kids. But when you tell a group of twenty year olds that you have five kids the shit hits the fan. A twenty year old’s biggest obstacles is how he/she can get through five nights of partying without puking and still get that term paper written to at least get a “C” on it. They can’t even fathom one kid, let alone five. So now I’m sure there will be some pointing and whispering. “There goes that freak with the five kids. Psycho.”
But in the end I survived. I didn’t even need stitches. And I didn’t even end up face first in the carpet. I gave a speech and I lived to tell about it.
Now I need some wine.