Being the breadwinner can ruin your marriage?
According to a survey by BettyConfidential.com 100% of women agree that making more money then their husband hurts their marriage. What? Seriously? Wow.
Since Lee is a stay-at-home dad, I obviously make more money than him. In fact, even when he was working I made more money than him. I think when we were first dating was the only time he probably out-earned me. I was working at Wendy’s and he was a cook/sometimes waiter at a fancy restaurant in town.
I don’t feel like me being the breadwinner puts a strain on our marriage. I think it absolutely works in our marriage. I love having Lee stay home with the kids. In fact he’s been looking for a full-time job and I’ve been trying to push him to just work part-time so he will still be here when the kids get home from school and be able to take them to all of their after school activities.
Before he was a stay-at-home dad Lee worked six days a week installing cable. Now that he’s been home more (a lot more) he has really bonded with the kids. Not that he wasn’t a good father before, but now he’s a great father. He knows what size the kids wear. He knows what their favorite meals are. He knows exactly what toys they are in to. He knows what shows they are watching on television. He knows who their friends are. He’s become much closer to the them. And them to him. It’s been awesome watching their bond grow tighter over the last five years.
Of course, we occasionally have arguments about who does what around the house. I think every couple does. I think even if he worked we’d still have some of those arguments. But in the end we just figured out who does what. When we are clear about our chores there is less arguing. Our teen boys do a lot of the cleaning. The little kids are responsible for their rooms. Lee is in charge of the “man” chores (as I call them) which includes mowing, fixing things, changing light bulbs…things like that. I’m in charge of laundry (which I have since outsourced some things — like folding — to the kids). I do the majority of the cooking while Lee takes over one or two nights a week.
Lee and I rarely fight about money either. I pay all the bills. Lee doesn’t have an allowance or anything, but he does call me to ask about large purchases such as to say, “Hey I’m low on gas. Is there money in the account to fill up?” I then either say “Yes” or “No, put it on your credit card.” [Isn't is sad that filling the van with gas is a large purchase now?]
When Lee first started his job as a stay-at-home dad he was pretty leery. Stay-at-home dads kind of have a bad wrap in our society. They need to be manly and take care of their woman. It’s something guys need to get over. It’s something women need to be more accepting off. Why can’t a guy be a stay-at-home dad? Why is it only a woman’s job?
I don’t think the wife being the breadwinner is what’s putting the strain on the marriage. It’s just bring out other issues you have that you aren’t addressing. It could be your husband’s jealousy. In that case deal with that issue. It could be chores. Set a clear plan of who does what. It could be money. Create a budget. Do whatever it takes to work on your marriage and embrace the positive things about your situation.
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Shannanb aka Mommy Bits Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 4:38 am
I agree with you that it shouldn’t be an issue. That statistic is sad. I wonder who they “polled”?
My husband makes more than me but when he first got out of the military I was the bread winner while he looked for employment. We really didn’t have any issues. We’ve always viewed ourselves as a team though.
Shannanb aka Mommy Bits’s last blog post..Birthday Spending. What’s Normal?
Lis Garrett Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 5:52 am
My husband told me years ago that he would be okay with me earning more than he so he could stay at home. Althouh, I think he is under the impression that parents who stay at home have an easy job. LOL!
Lis Garrett’s last blog post..Root & Sproutâ„¢
Momilies Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 7:22 am
I am, and have always been, the main bread winner in my family. That is through two marriages, too. It was always just me who kept the “stable” job and carried the insurance and whatnot. Even now, with my husband working full-time, I still earn more, and have more benefits, than he ever will.
For me, it’s just a fact of life.
However, it DOES definitely put a strain on us. He assumes that since he doesn’t earn what I earn, he shouldn’t have to pay any bills and that his money is “fun money.” I beg to differ!! I could pay all the bills on my own, and we could squeak by, but then I’d have nothing left for me at all, which would be fine until I finally wore out all my clothes. So, I insist that he pay his portion of the bills. I pay the rent, satellite, storage, water, sewer, and buy all of the groceries and sundries. I also pay all of the medical bills, dental bills, and pay for all prescriptions. He pays the gas, electric, and phone bill. It works out that we are each paying a “percentage” that is equal to what we earn. I feel this is fair.
He occasionally brings up the idea that he thinks I look down on him for not making as much money as me. I suppose that’s true in a way; I worked hard and climbed a tough ladder to get here, and he has basically been a goof-off all his life. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him, and that our marriage doesn’t work. But it IS an added stress on us.
Momilies’s last blog post..Stupid Criminals
Matthew Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 9:02 am
My wife, until a few months ago, has always made more money than me. It really hasn’t been an issue. We have separate checking accounts and we pay a percentage of the bills.
She’s going to work part time in a few months now that I make more money and I’m a little jealous she’ll get to spend more time with the kids but it’s definitely better for the kids so no big deal.
Matthew’s last blog post..Another thing they don’t tell you about fatherhood
Stephanie Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 11:39 am
Two of my sisters are the breadwinners of their families. It causes more stress in one case than the other, although both men do occasionally struggle with not earning as their wives do. Both are stay at home dads by choice, though.
Stephanie’s last blog post..Coping with a Clingy Child
laura Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
not a problem here either. i have consitently made more $ than my husband does and neither of us seem to mind…at least we are still together, 25 years and going strong!
laura’s last blog post..2020
Shamelessly Sassy Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 11:39 pm
Great post! This is my first time stopping by. Lovely blog!
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Tranny Hooker Eyelids: Cheerleading Competition Make-Up
Cindy Said,
May 30, 2008 @ 6:15 am
The only stress I’ve ever found was my man sitting on his butt at home and doing only Man Cave things while chores and kids went neglected. All while using my (hard earned) money for his toys and joys.
Needless to say, he is no longer my man!
I do find that it seems to be socially unacceptable for the man to stay home. I like it that way.
But, have constantly heard things like “Why don’t you make him get a job?” and “He’s mooching off you!”. Sure some have, however, I like someone to take care of things while I’m gone. And I like to be gone! After years of being the breadwinner, the maid, the cook, the repairman, the taxi, and so on…..I love having someone there who can take care of those things and give me time for myself.
Cindy’s last blog post..Commitment
Christine's Mom Said,
May 30, 2008 @ 11:25 am
I think we need to be careful at how results of these kind of questions are interpreted. The site is aimed at woman – so it is woman who say it puts a stess on a marriage, not the husbands. You could ask “Does working stress you out sometimes” and get a 100% yes from both men and women. I believe that money issues in general are the biggest strain on marriages, so it is not surprising that there is some strain when the roles are reversed from the societal norms.
And, I am sure that most anyone, if asked “do you sometimes wish your spouse made more money, so you could not work” would say YES! I’d love to have a sugar-daddy … at least for a while … and on my terms
When I was married (such a long time ago!!), once both my ex (Christine’s Dad) and I were both out of school, I made more money than he did – even though he had 2 years of experience on me. It was just the nature of the jobs that we worked then (he worked for the state – they pay low!). Our marriage had a lot of strains (hence the ex situation), but none of them were related to me earning more then him. Both of our paychecks went into a joint account and we paid bills together – it was always our money. We were just happy to have more money and to be able to do more things with it.
I believe that as it becomes more normal for Dads to stay at home; for men and women to work at jobs that they like; etc. that there will be less focus on who makes more than the other. It wasn’t that long ago that having a wife who worked at all was a social stigma for a husband. Now, I would say that is more the norm than the exception.
Cathy
Jonathan Said,
July 21, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
My interpretation is as follows:
I live in an urban area where there are plenty of high earning women. I have known VERY few women who out earn their husbands – not because of some mythical pay-gap, but because urban career women are generally loathe to stay in relationships with men who make less money than they do. I chalk this up to evolution. For many years, women have been the ones to stay at home and take care of the kids. To this day, women are still hesitant to stay in relationships with men who make less money than they do because their evolutionary instinct tells them that their mate might not be successful enough to support them and their children when they leave their jobs to become mothers (at least temporarily). Will this ever change? Who can tell. Nature is a cruel mistress. The idea of the stay-at-home father is still widely ridiculed, because it goes against our evolutionary history. Since women have been earning as much money as men in major cities for only a short while, it will probably take at least a few more generations to initiate any real social change in this regard.
Those of you who are strict social constructionists will no doubt disregard my argument, but there it is.
As far as marriages being ruined by women becoming the primary breadwinners, well . . . if you don’t agree with the results of the study, maybe you should find a study whose results you do agree with. I have not seen the study, so I cannot attest to its statistical validity – if indeed it has any. I will say that from my observations, most women will think less of a man in a marriage if he is not as financially successful as she is. (See my statements above.) In men, women are attracted to status, wealth and power, three characteristics that generally aid the evolutionary success of her offspring. A man only has to join a dating website to find this out. If you put your yearly income at 50,000 dollars, and the average income of males stated on the site is 100,000 dollars, you will not get many replies. This will be true even if you are above average in appearance. If you look like Brad Pit, you might get hits, but that will probably be from women who are looking for quick hook-ups. Men, on the other hand, are not that interested in how much money women make, because from an evolutionary perspective, men are attracted to youth and beauty.
I am glad to see that there are some instances where a stay-at-home father works. That provides testament to at least a small amount of social change. But I am equally as distressed to see that many women, as well as men, ridicule stay-at-home-dads as ‘lazy good for nothings, slackers,’ etc. One only has to look at the major media or eavesdrop on a few conversations to see this is the case. Regardless, the fact is that there are many women who are now out-earning their husbands. We might accept this intellectually, even emotionally, but evolution is going to need a while to catch up.
Jone Johnson Said,
September 18, 2008 @ 6:21 am
I heard more about man who stays home to take care of the kids so that the mom can work and take care of the home finances. That is working because the wife and husband have their jewel in common, their child or children. So the wife would accept to spend her hard earned income on her unemployed or underemployed husband while the husband take care of the child or children.
If I ask that suppose the couples do not have a child and the man decide to stay home and don’t work or still makes less than his wife. The chemistry would not work the same way. The stress scenario would be preponderant to certain unbearable. Because the wife not feel better spending money on a man who stays home with no kids to take care of but sit around flipping tv channels.
A man would take care of his wife she if she stays home regardless the both have a child or not. But I am yet to see the reverse situation for women.
constant Said,
June 21, 2010 @ 7:18 am
l agreed with d last two paragraphs of jone jonhson, the stress scenario would be preponderant to certain unbearable.