I’m not a scientist (nor do I play one on TV). And I haven’t done any scientific studies. But I’m pretty sure that the leading cause of divorce (right after infidelity and money problems) is home remodels. Cause, dude, I’m not totally convinced either Lee or I will make it out of this home remodel alive.
We have argued about everything from paint color to cabinet size to floor placement.
This weekend we started laying our wood floor and there was a moment where I seriously considered hitting him upside the head with a plank of wood. And I think I might have detected a moment (when I was yanking up all the pieces his friend had just cut and laid moments before, but I didn’t like the placement) where Lee was ready to slice off one of my limbs with the jigsaw. I’m just sayin’. Home remodel is stressful y’all.
Every trip to Menards for paint goes like this.
Me: Ooohh. This is nice. What do you think of this paint color?
Lee: Hate it.
Me: Hmm…how about this one?
Me: [Getting pissed] What about this?
Me: [Big dramatic sigh] Well this then.
Lee: That’s the worst one yet.
Me: FINE. I’LL PICK WHAT I WANT AND YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT ASSHOLE.
So I won that one.
On another trip to Menards we found ourselves in front of the kitchen cabinets trying to find the right size. We needed one cabinet to be 33″ wide and the next cabinet to be 18″ wide. Only the generic
cheap ass affordably priced cabinets don’t come in the 33″ variety. It’s either 30″ or 36″. I suggested we instead buy a 36″ cabinet and a 15″ cabinet.
“But then they wont line up right with the lower cabinets,” Lee whined.
“Well what do you want me to do about it? They don’t have a 33″ cabinet,” I seethed.
Then Lee said something else I couldn’t hear because steam was pouring out of my ears. And I snapped. I yelled at him right there in the cabinet section. I’m pretty sure I even used some F-bombs. I was done. Fuck the kitchen cabinets. The next homeowners can just buy some cheap shelves from Wal-Mart to put their shit on for all I care.
We found out later they make these things called spacers (which are just planks of wood) so you can get the smaller cabinet and make it look like a bigger cabinet. So Lee took back the cabinets and exchanged them for the 30″ cabinet – with two inch and a half spacers – and the 18″ cabinet. Crisis averted. And now the next homeowner will have actual kitchen cabinets instead of cheap pressed wood shelves.
So Lee won that one.
We now have our upper kitchen cabinets installed. Lee pretty much installed them himself. I tried to help him, but ended up just making it worse. Cause, um, I’m a girl. Not a construction worker.
First Lee held the cabinet in place and I used the cordless drill to screw in the screw. But, dude, the cordless drill goes super fast. I kept falling off the screw and punching a small hole (well really just a dent) in the back of the cabinet. I think Lee had to restrain himself from drilling that screw in to my forehead.
So then we swapped places. I held the cabinet in place while Lee screwed in the screw. Only, um, cabinets are heavy y’all. I couldn’t keep that thing in place.
Lee had had enough. “Just go watch TV or something,” he snapped. And I obliged. ‘Cause I didn’t want to hang those stupid cabinets anyway.
I don’t know how he managed to both, hold the cabinet, and screw in the screw at the same time, but Lee did it. And the cabinets look awesome.
So we’re almost there. And we haven’t killed each other yet. I think we deserve some kind of medal for this. Or at least homemade cookies.