Working for big business has many advantages. More opportunity to move up the corporate ladder. Bigger salaries. Better benefits. Ability to relocate to another location in another part of the country or world.

But there are several disadvantages too. Mainly layoffs.

In a large company you are just one of thousands. It’s harder to stand out. And layoffs are pretty commonplace. Annual even.

We had layoffs in my office today. We’ve been pretty fortunate to escape previous layoffs without losing anybody in our department. Our last layoff was back in 2006.

Today our luck ran out. We lost two people in my department. One in my office. And it sucks.

The guilt is the worst part. Mary didn’t want to be laid off. But I’d almost welcome it. Part of me wants to take her place. With my recent graduation and new marketing degree, I’m thinking about a career change anyway. A layoff would force me to get off my butt and actually start putting forth some effort in to a job search.

But on the other hand, I likely wouldn’t be able to switch places with her. The paperwork is already done. And right now isn’t the best time to be out of work.

And so instead I just feel sad. And mad. And guilty.

I HATE layoffs. I HATE seeing my friends go. I HATE the guilt that comes along with being left. I HATE them.

1. IM them and tell them to call you.
2. When they ask for your number refuse to give it to them and tell them “you should know that by now.”
3. If they don’t answer your message, IM their co-workers to see where they’re at. God forbid they need to visit the restroom.
4. Don’t try to fix errors. Instead point fingers and berate anybody who made an innocent mistake.
5. When they come to you with a question, don’t only NOT answer the question, but completely take over the project.
6. And then when you’ve taken over the whole project, complain to said employee about how damn busy you are.
7. Send them call information mere minutes before the call and then berate them when they don’t attend the call.
8. When they tell you they will be out for an hour for an appointment don’t get all up in their business. “Are you feeling ok?” “What kind of appointment?”
9. Tell them everything last detail about your personal life. Unless we are friends who share beers during happy hour on Fridays I do not give two squats of shit what your daughter’s boyfriend does for a living or that her unmarried friend is pregnant.
10. Keep them on a short leash and give them no authority to make any big decisions.
11. And then when they come to you because they can’t make the big decision, again tell them how busy you are.
12. Lie to them. I so love it when my teenagers lie to me. Why not my boss to.
13. When they write you a two page email outlining all of their accomplishments for the last couple of years and ask for a raise since you did promise “a lot of room for growth” when you offered them the job with no pay increase tell them, “all good things come to those who wait.” ‘Cause when you haven’t had a significant pay increase in more than three years what you really want to hear is “all good things come to those who wait.”
14. Make sure you always have the last word. Even when your wrong. Actually, especially when you’re wrong.

Man, I can’t wait for vacation.

Have you ever been at work, trying to keep your eyelids open as you intently listen to a never-ending conference call when somebody slips up and accidentally misspeaks. Saying something that just cracks you up? Something that makes you hit the mute button so you can laugh out loud in silence?

My personal favorite is when we are talking about billing in arrears (as opposed to billing in advance) and somebody says “billing in the rear.” That one slays me. I hardly have time to reach for the mute button before I’m busting up laughing. [Yes, I am a twelve year old boy. In fact just a couple weeks ago Lee and I hung up glow-in-the-dark planets in Caleb's room and made several jokes about Uranus.]

The other day we were on a call where Sales was trying to convince us to give his customer pricing we didn’t want to give. He said, “We’ve already set a presidents.” We set a presidents? Really? Do companies normally let us pick their presidents? I believe he actually meant “we’ve already set a precedence.

But I shouldn’t make fun because I often screw up on email. Thank goodness for spell checker or I would constantly send out emails about dicunts instead of discounts. Discunt is possibly even more embarrassing then billing the rear.

Wanna know how to really annoy me?

IM me with “Can you call me please?”

Seriously?!? How lame is that? If you want to talk to me on the phone then call me. Don’t IM me to tell me to call you.

And then, when I totally ignore your IM because you’re a damn fool and I don’t have time for your silly games, definitely DO NOT send me an email that says “Please call me.”

Imagine the effort it took to first send me an IM AND THEN send me an email. Wouldn’t it have just been easier to pick up your fucking phone and call me?

And then, when I do call you and say, “Why didn’t you just call me?” definitely, and I mean DEFINITELY, DO NOT answer with “Because it was easier.” Because that will just piss me off more. You know I just live to make life easier for you’re lazy ass. Never mind the fact that I had to stop what I was doing during the last week of the month (which happens to be my super duper busy time of the month), go to email, look up your number, dial the phone all while trying to remain calm so I didn’t rip your fucking head off when you answered because you’re too damn lazy to call me.

All that effort because YOU wanted to talk to me. I didn’t want to talk to you. If I did I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU.

I’m just saying.